clever ruse there, monday. you almost had me fooled, what with it being tuesday and all, but hats off to you for such a complete fucking over. really, good show. nicely done, monday. i will never doubt your prowess again.
you know the day is gonna be bad when everything goes wrong from the start. or more accurately, when you find yourself crouching in the dark passageway underneath comm. ave. at the kenmore station, searching in vain for an errant contact that decided to suddenly go AWOL as you walk to the T. yeah…that should’ve been my sign. or even before then, when i woke up late. however, i must say that i got out of the house in record time, and was well on my way to being at work early — which i did accomplish momentarily — when the aforementioned contact fucked me over. god damned faulty eyeballs. god damned faulty contacts. i thought my hustle would counteract the getting up late…boy was i wrong.
i am grateful my supervisors are so understanding and accomodating. and i can almost overlook the inefficiency of the public transportation system in boston — such as, unfortunately labeled/late buses and slow, practically nonexistent B trains. hell, it’s even my fault for the mythical 65 bus mixup. what the fuck is the #65 anyway? like, where does that go? however, i cannot suppress my disgust at the psychopathic fuckers that ride the T. namely, disgusting freaks who think they have the right to invade complete strangers’ personal space, and take far too many liberties. or, you know…fucking molest me.
i have never been more disgusted by a ride to work before. ever. all freaking day i’ve felt dirty and repulsed. i’m loathe to use the term “violated”, but it does apply. what’s more, i have at least a good 2.5-3 hours until i can go home and properly drown in a scalding hot shower. also, as fucking awesome as my new “work shoes” are, they are not good to run in. i found this out the hard way this morning. and you know, when crap like this happens, i do the strangest thing. i blank out on most of it. i can’t remember the guy’s face, because i couldn’t bring myself to look at him. i probably couldn’t pick him out of a crowd…and that makes me nervous, because then, who will i know who to avoid? i center on one thing, minute details, specific emotions. revulsion at the situation; the vile, burning presence of a stranger’s touch; and one flashing, glaring, explosive thought screaming through my brain: i have to get away!
i vaguely remember clenching my keys and attempting to situate them into the best “stabbing arrangement“, and praying someone else would get on the car at the first available stop, or that the next stop would be his. then, all that’s left is the sensation of my skin crawling and this blinding, shaking anger & frustration that won’t go away. for about two hours today i had a pretty deep indentation from digging my keys into my arm while i waited for the security guard to check my badge at work. i know i didn’t look back to see if he was following me, and i’m pretty sure i pushed a lady out of the way darting out of the T station.
but i didn’t cry.
i rarely cry in this sort of situation. i just don’t let myself. and it’s probably better that way. because ultimately it’s stupid. crying is stupid. i am stupid. the whole situation is stupid. it doesn’t solve anything. and it doesn’t change the fact that i just freeze up, blank everything out and can’t even think to put a stop to it, but only think of Away…
plus, on top of all that bullshit…i ended up losing out on an hour and a half of time at work. that always makes me feel shitty. also, any day i have to wear glasses, they inevitably give me a headache, which leaves me feeling pretty oogy. although i did get to spend my lunch break with the boy today, and that was nice. he puts up with my bullshit — most likely he is on drugs, and he doesn’t share, damnit — and it was good to get my mind off stuff, but i definitely could’ve done without quite so much hobo asscrack. seriously, even with my impaired vision, i did not need to see that.
oh, and i’m mainly surly because my ipod charger is breaking, and i spend far too much time at work musically deficient. which is totally unacceptable. and of course, there was the T ride to job #2. i’m ashamed to say i was a little bit apprehensive getting on the train. i sought out the heavily populated corners to stand in, close to the exits; or single seats not facing any other person, hiding under the bulk of my gym bag — which was missing on my ride back to work this morning.
so lame.
you know what? screw this. screw this day & fuck it all to hell.
i’m done.
