i’m coming dangerously close to giving myself permanent wrinkles, i think. specifically of an “I-want” nature. that determined crease of concentration that means I Want something intensely. or at the very least, am solely focused on whatever happens to be my current desire.
and today i find myself fluctuating between various natures of wanting. selfish wants and foolish wants and …well is there anything else besides selfish & foolish, really? i mean, when you get down to it?
the main thing tonight swirling around in my head is how much i want this. i want to get it right, i want to make sense, i don’t want to screw it up, but oh god i fucking want this. even though it’s in direct conflict with my aversion to grown up things. to responsibility and uncertainty and whatnot. because it would be a heavy deal, i suppose. i think i can do it, and i sure as fuck hope that when the time comes to lay it all on the line there isn’t a shadow of a doubt that i can handle it. but…there’s that nagging voice that says i’m just setting myself up for a fall. or at the very least, biting off more than i can chew. in addition: [insert crappy metaphor here].
so…it’s nerves, right? or something.
but i have all these other things creasing up my thoughts — and most likely my stupid forehead as well — that are, at times, quite insistent. i should focus, really…but i’m not doin’ so hot a job of that, i guess.
