today’s question of the week applies quite nicely, i think:
Where do you go to feel better about yourself? It could be a place that makes you feel peaceful and whole… or a place where the people around you are so dysfunctional that you no longer feel quite so psychotic. Where is that place? What is it about the location that pleases you?
i don’t think i honestly know right now. in fact, maybe that is why i’m anticipating getting my car out here so hardcore because that is the one place i can go to be alone with my thoughts and seriously get a handle on myself & have some peace and quiet. i realize how much i’ve suffered not having that outlet since i’ve moved out here, really. and having my car is going to provide the one thing i desire most since i’ve moved out here: escape.
i suppose that’s a cowardly thing, but some days, precious little is actually holding me together and it’s only a matter of time before i snap. these days, that’s more often than not, and i really need to do something to handle it.
and of course, the boy is just…god, he puts up with far too much of my bullshit, but some days, sometimes even he can’t make me feel better. and it’s not his fault, usually it has nothing to do with him whatsoever. but fuck, man, it’s not his job to make me feel better anyway. seriously, it’s not. that he usually does is a mere bonus, really. and appreciated.
or you know, something happens like what happened sunday and i completely cannot be around people at all. even the people that matter. and seriously, it was probably my own doing.
i think i have officially experienced what is as close to a hangover as i have ever had in my life. unfortunately it was right in the middle of drinking and was over by 2 a.m. which, again, totally my fault. it is not wise to work all day, not eat all day and collapse in a heap. only to wake up to the sweltering heat (hello dehydration), not eat all day and start drinking first thing. it has repeatedly been proven that i am far from a genius, but this was by far one of my more stellar moves. go Team Me!
ay dios, i haven’t felt this shitty in such a long time. we’re talking 100%, char-broiled shit on a stick shitty. god.
and another of my super-stellar moves was to continue drinking after i had already gotten so rip-roaringly sick that i ran off on the boy & his friend. which was lousy, but there comes a point when you feel so bad that you just can’t be around other human beings. that “i want to crawl in a deep, dark, dank hole & die” time. that’s what happened sunday. and while i’m grateful that there’s someone out there that cares enough to drop everything and make sure i’m ok…i just…god, i can’t subject other people to myself sometimes. really. then again, i’ve never been the kind of person that needs or wants to be taken care of when i’m feeling lousy. i think i work better to just hole up & wait it out. no need to make anyone else suffer, ya know.
of course…once i got a handle on the sick i was so freaking discombobulated that the next best solution was to run off to our house and see how much alcohol i could consume in an hour, so that i would be sufficiently plastered to drag myself home.
and that brings us to the possible hangover. which, i’m told, most people experience the following day. i’m just so god damned lucky i’m fairly certain i dealt with it all last night.
something like:
An alcohol hangover is associated with a variety of symptoms that may include dehydration, tiredness, headache, nausea, diarrhea, weakness, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, irritability, sensitivity to light and noise and trouble sleeping. The symptoms vary from person to person, and occasion to occasion, usually beginning several hours after drinking. It is not clear whether hangovers affect cognitive abilities.
or rather, puking my filthy guts out all night. sexy sexy sex. which, i have to say, i’m almost more enraged by the waste of alcohol than i am the fact that it happened. almost.
and like i said, by 2 a.m. i was fine. and today i am fine. it’s just, my stomach is a little displeased since today i had to actually re-introduce food to the ol’ digestive system.
i think…i’m almost certain, that i am just exhausted.
and yet, the idea of alcohol does not currently turn my stomach…so i think i’m ok. for now, at least.
tired.
