“I’m just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind.”
— clementine
i can’t remember where or how it started.
c o n t r a d i c t i o n
not exactly, not entirely…vaguely. sometimes it all feels new, everything a mystery all over again — a puzzle with pieces i’ve never seen before. sometimes it feels like snuggling down in a quilt of comfort forever — everything familiar and warm and love. at the end of the day, at the end of any day, the only thing that remains is you.
there was a before, of course — there always is. the before doesn’t really feel all that long ago, but in a lot of ways it does. there’s a completely different version of me now than before. this version tries very hard not to compare any of the now to the before. then again, it’s not really that hard to do, doesn’t take a lot to try…you make it pretty easy by being something completely different.
and i like that.
for some good reasons and some not so good ones, i like that. i wouldn’t have it any other way. maybe it’s just because i have my own set of issues/quirks/freakouts/etc. but i like that you know me just by looking at me, but you don’t know every shade of who i am from being here since the beginning of me. you don’t know the awkward grade school version, and you don’t know the jr. high version, and you don’t know the basketball version, and you don’t know the high school version, and you don’t know the summer in the country version, you don’t know the naive freshman version, you don’t know the reckless version…you don’t know…
but someday you might just figure it out.
with a look.
and that’s ok. i think it’s going to be ok. i’m beginning to worry less about it…because all those versions come and gone are just the bits and pieces of the current release — they’re all in here somewhere, scattered around, but they don’t really matter anymore. the next version of me is trying to be a little bit less afraid of everything i don’t know.
because i am constantly writing and re-writing what it is i am and am not afraid of. and i’m getting a bit better at it, day by day…etc. which is not to say i’m not terribly afraid; but maybe…just maybe…just possibly…possibly just maybe…if i weren’t so afraid it wouldn’t be worth it?
(i never quite know just what it is i’m trying to say)
n e u r o s i s
sometimes it’s completely irrational fear, and that’s what i’m working on the most. chipping away, sculpting, re-arranging…it’s daunting but worth it. close my eyes, take a deep breath and focus on what i’m working for, why i’m working on it. all the while trying to limit the number of saccharine cliché and embarrassing metaphor. then again, if i stop to think — really and truly stop to think for real — i don’t have any idea what i’m working for anymore.
it gets lost in the process (this happens a lot).
everything i know and everything i fear are constantly neck & neck with each other…and i’m caught in the middle. everything i know boils down to basically: having no clue what i ‘m doing (this, i know). everything i fear is then: waiting for the other shoe to drop.
this is my life…
it must be said, i’m not always like this. not always such a hesitant/flighty/confused/second-guessing/cautious wreck of scrutiny and anxiety. not…always…but everything is becoming so much more real these days that i’m not entirely certain what to do anymore.
i’m not sure how to handle it. you’re so much more real, tangible and …threatening. that sounds wrong, but i’m not entirely sure of how to word it any better. my world is my own, i’m ok on my own…but…the threat is always there. that doesn’t even make sense.
namely, i have no idea what i’m doing.
none.
r e l e n t l e s s
and everything is just chugging along regardless — some days i can keep up and some days it’s mercilessly dragging me behind it. i’m not 100% upset by this, i’ve not completely managed to understand everything (and i’m not entirely certain i ever will). in some ways everything feels too fast, too surreal. you, me, us…just sweeping up the rest of the world like a hurricane. and in other ways, it feels like a natural progression, everything exactly as it should be. i don’t know how to distinguish between the two. and either way, hurricane is an apt description. powerful, uncontrolled, world-changing, life-altering force. it can destroy everything that once was and create something entirely new and different in its aftermath.
i fucking hate cliché …or misplaced metaphor.
so here i am and there you are and the world is about to completely change in ways i can’t even entirely imagine and i don’t know how to handle it. maybe i’m going about this the wrong way — over analyzing, much? — or maybe i’m not…who can even decide that? maybe, just maybe, everything has already changed and i have yet to realize it. that could be — sometimes i think it is — but i don’t know…and i don’t know how to ask you because i don’t have any clue what you’re thinking or feeling. i wouldn’t know how to even begin to ask, especially since…98.5% of this is all in my head (oh, the things that are in my head). see also: waiting for the other shoe to drop.
c o n u n d r u m
if it were anyone but you, i’d be terrified — and i don’t think anything would be the way it is anyhow. because it is you…i’m terrified. everything feels right…or at least, not horribly wrong (even though i’ve been known to be quite oblivious or just plain stupid); but there’s always possibility.
slight, damning, unrelenting chance.
a fuckin’ knife edge that i’ve gotten sick of slicing myself on. shit stings, you know.
there is the possibility of everything going so horribly wrong that i couldn’t even begin to make myself imagine what it would be like — i just don’t want to. there is equally the possibility of everything going so right — remaining blessedly the same or possibly (oh how i loathe that word) getting even better. consequently, i cannot imagine this scenario either.
damned if i do or damned if i don’t? isn’t that always the case?
isn’t it always the fucking case?
cynicism? pessimism? where is the point of demarcation, exactly? how am i supposed to know if this is all entirely me, or if it’s the result of things that have happened? how much of the past have i internalized and how much of this is all my own fucked up mind? i’m not even sure if that’s something you can ever figure out.
at the end of the day, at the end of any day, i’m only trying to get through in one piece and maybe get something right. all i want is you and me and to not fuck any of that up. change that doesn’t feel like change, because i honestly wouldn’t want to change anything when everything right now feels exactly the way it should be. everything just as it was meant to be.
maybe not “change” maybe “evolution”?
maybe…just maybe…i’m totally pulling things out of my ass and still have no idea what the hell i’m doing/saying/or thinking.
(this is a high possibility)
and then the next time i see you, everything else will probably fall right out of my head. in a good way and in a bad way, but it will be okay. the haunting past, the misleading/treacherous future…they got nothin’ on the here and now, the present of you and me just like this. the part of it all that i want so much to preserve and flourish is everything exactly like it is, here and now. it’s definitely not “too much of a good thing”, right now no matter what else i’m thinking or feeling or wondering it’s always…”just right”.
and at the end of the day…at the end of every day, that’s what matters.
it’s a work in progress…i’m still working on it.
and for now, that’s entirely fine by me.
maybe someday, i’ll figure it all out.
