after the recommencing of rockstar drunk dialing (where he drunk dials me, not the other way around thank christ) i was not havin’ too good a VD, ya heard. i mean, for one thing this is the first VD in four years where i’ve been single. and then it really hit me.
i’m single.
::sigh::
i’m single and i have been for a long time now. i don’t know what to do anymore, i honestly don’t. i just can’t fucking deal anymore, ya know. i mean, the rockstar “cares” about me, he wants to talk to me, he likes talking to me, he misses talking to me when he don’t get a chance to, he says i’m the only person he can trust & i’m the only person he can count on…and then goes off all insane like.
it’s frustrating as all fuck.
example #1:
rockstar (7:25:32 PM): ash wed going during lunch?
pineapple (7:27:20 PM): of course
pineapple (7:31:59 PM): i need to find a church close to downtown, otherwise copley
rockstar (7:35:06 PM): want to try and go toghether
pineapple (7:43:08 PM): we could…if you want. are you sure you want to?
rockstar (7:47:47 PM): ya lest try to decied on a time
pineapple (7:48:35 PM): ok
now ok, i know…it would’ve been smarter if i had’ve said know…but wtf…like how am i supposed to respond to that? ya know? there just isn’t a fucking response.
::gah::
i should’ve said no, or something. that fuck, he KNOWS i miss him and all that, and like. when have i EVER been able to say no to this boy? honestly.
and it was all downhill from there, yo.
example #2:
rockstar (7:58:59 PM): you dont have to justify your actions to me i am just a friend that cares
pineapple (7:59:14 PM): you’re not a friend
rockstar (7:59:15 PM): so what did i say in my message
rockstar (7:59:20 PM): why do you say that
rockstar (7:59:31 PM): because we never really see eachoer
pineapple (7:59:48 PM): you’re the exthing
rockstar (8:00:21 PM): hell we dated for like almost a year of combined time where we never eally saw eachoeter
rockstar (8:00:29 PM): so that part dosent matter it is all about talking
pineapple (8:00:32 PM): you’re so mean
rockstar (8:00:38 PM): i am not menan
rockstar (8:00:49 PM): i log in to talk to you because i like talking to you
pineapple (8:01:19 PM): you always gotta be throwing it back into my face about not seeing each other or some other stoopid shit i might have done
pineapple (8:01:25 PM): that’s mean
rockstar (8:02:05 PM): no i was just mearly saying that seeing someone doest decied weahter youa re friends are not it is all about talking
rockstar (8:02:46 PM): i dont want to be mean i am not trying to be mean
rockstar (8:02:55 PM): i am mearly trying to get along with you agein
rockstar (8:03:09 PM): but you keep trying to make it difficult
rockstar (8:05:36 PM): and now you wont even reply
pineapple (8:05:48 PM): i had a phone call
pineapple (8:06:01 PM): i’m not trying to make it difficult, i just dont’ always understand you. you put all that effort into getting me out of your life, now you wanna be friends, i don’t get why
rockstar (8:06:33 PM): i gavre you some time to heal
pineapple (8:06:44 PM): you know nothing
pineapple (8:07:10 PM): i get the part where you’re not bugged about us at all. duly noted. the little relationship thing obviously meant different things to us
pineapple (8:08:23 PM): that’s all. no big deal
rockstar (8:12:30 PM): if it diddent mean anything to me then why do you think i still try so hard to talk to you
rockstar (8:12:44 PM): look at the facts
pineapple (8:12:58 PM): i don’t know why you still talk to me
pineapple (8:15:34 PM): and you got over it really fucking fast with no problems whatsoever. so yeah, it meant different things to us
rockstar (8:15:42 PM): how do you know
rockstar (8:15:54 PM): you dotn know what is going on in my head
pineapple (8:15:57 PM): i don’t wanna fight, ok…i’m sick. i’m trying to get ready for the party tonight, and don’t wanna fight
rockstar (8:16:03 PM): i dont show it when i am hurt i never have i never will
pineapple (8:16:05 PM): howlong did it take for you to bang someone else?
rockstar (8:16:24 PM): why do you think i did that
rockstar (8:16:33 PM): i wanst over you at all
rockstar (8:16:47 PM): i did that to try and stop the pain
pineapple (8:16:50 PM): and you are now
pineapple (8:16:53 PM): it doesn’t matter
rockstar (8:16:53 PM): did it work no not at all
rockstar (8:16:58 PM): did i say that
rockstar (8:17:05 PM): dont try
pineapple (8:17:06 PM): also, like, you dumped me…it didn’t hurt you at all
pineapple (8:17:08 PM): you did. i asked you if you were over us and you said yes
rockstar (8:17:43 PM): and figure out what i am thinking or feeling
rockstar (8:17:48 PM): that is for me to know
rockstar (8:18:13 PM): the whole reason we broke up was that we diddent get along
rockstar (8:18:25 PM): we werent frineds anymore we never talked
rockstar (8:18:32 PM): you told me that allot
pineapple (8:20:24 PM): we didn’t even try to fix it
rockstar (8:20:37 PM): i did allot
pineapple (8:20:39 PM): besides, you TOLD me you were over us. you TOLD me all sorts of things. that’s all i have to go on
pineapple (8:20:57 PM): right, you did everything right and i did everything wrong.
rockstar (8:21:38 PM): no i diddent say that
pineapple (8:22:24 PM): i mean, how much longer you want me to pay for those fuckups?
pineapple (8:22:44 PM): you decided you knew how i felt, you decided it wasn’t worth fixing, you decided all of that.
pineapple (8:22:55 PM): and you’re the one that told me you ended it to be with someone else
rockstar (8:22:56 PM): my main point was we werent frineds anymore that is what we were based on
rockstar (8:23:10 PM): i am trying to re asablish that frinedship
pineapple (8:23:23 PM): why? we won’t ever be just friends
rockstar (8:23:37 PM): i never enddind ti to be with someone else
rockstar (8:23:48 PM): you were 10000000000000000 times better than she could ever be
pineapple (8:23:52 PM): you told me! you told me you left for her. to be with her. you told me you loved her more
rockstar (8:25:00 PM): i never loved her
rockstar (8:25:11 PM): hell i could barly stand her
rockstar (8:25:18 PM): but it got my mind off of you
pineapple (8:25:22 PM): you said i made you miserable and she made you happier than you’ve ever been. you saidyou wanted to marry her, you loved her… and not me
rockstar (8:28:35 PM): i just sadi all that to make you mad because you were being mean to me
rockstar (8:28:51 PM): and i told her nice things because i just wanted to see if i could do it
rockstar (8:29:01 PM): i know it is horrable
rockstar (8:29:08 PM): but i just wanted to know if i could do it
rockstar (8:29:48 PM): the only reason i had a advesr reaction when you tried to fuck it all up was becaues you were messing iwth my experament
rockstar (8:29:59 PM): i never really gave to shits about her
rockstar (8:30:06 PM): well i did as a frined
rockstar (8:30:18 PM): and i really did think that guy was bad for her
rockstar (8:30:25 PM): but love her
rockstar (8:30:26 PM): fuck
rockstar (8:30:32 PM): i barly even liked her
pineapple (8:30:57 PM): messing with your experiment?
rockstar (8:31:11 PM): i just wanted to see if i could do it
pineapple (8:31:31 PM): you know i never wanteed to move in with you all sudden like that. because i was so afraid you’d hate me over time, you’d see me too much and realize you can’t stand me
pineapple (8:31:35 PM): worst fear came true
rockstar (8:32:17 PM): that wasnet the reason
rockstar (8:32:31 PM): it was all because we diddent get along we never talked like we used to
rockstar (8:33:10 PM): and i felt like i was forcing you to be with me
rockstar (8:34:00 PM): just to let you knwo ilgim isent an experament
rockstar (8:34:12 PM): she is cool and i like hanging out with her
rockstar (8:34:18 PM): have a slept with you you ask?
rockstar (8:34:20 PM): no
rockstar (8:34:39 PM): i have spent the night at her place once but no sex took place
rockstar (8:34:52 PM): i am not ready to have sex
pineapple (8:34:59 PM): whatever. date her. fuck her
rockstar (8:35:47 PM): i am just trying inform you
rockstar (8:35:55 PM): i know you are curious
pineapple (8:36:16 PM): it doesn’t matter
rockstar (8:36:25 PM): why
pineapple (8:37:21 PM): because it doesnt’ matter to you.
pineapple (8:37:32 PM): and i’ll figure out how to make it not matter to me
rockstar (8:37:47 PM): o god
rockstar (8:37:58 PM): you make is so god dam hard to keep tryuoing
rockstar (8:38:25 PM): you are a smart girl but dam
pineapple (8:38:54 PM): what?
rockstar (8:38:55 PM): if it diddent matter to me would i still talk ot you
pineapple (8:39:02 PM): i don’t know!
rockstar (8:39:04 PM): would i want to regain our frendsip
rockstar (8:39:06 PM): fjuck
pineapple (8:39:10 PM): maybe you just like rubbing it in
rockstar (8:39:11 PM): it is not rocket sceinec
pineapple (8:39:17 PM): you found a girl you wanna hang out with, great. you DON’T WANT ME. GREAT! I GET IT
rockstar (8:39:33 PM): no yo udont
rockstar (8:39:39 PM): you dont at all
rockstar (8:39:44 PM): fuck
rockstar (8:39:57 PM): no matter how manytimes i try and talk to you and tell you \
rockstar (8:39:59 PM): you never get i t
rockstar (8:40:21 PM): i dont think you ever will
pineapple (8:40:32 PM): i do
rockstar (8:40:38 PM): no you dont
pineapple (8:40:43 PM): we weren’t friends, you thought you were forcing me to be with you. it ended. you’re fine. you want to be “friends”
rockstar (8:40:59 PM): you knwo what you tingk and refuse to belave otherwise
pineapple (8:41:08 PM): you tell me different stuff
rockstar (8:41:15 PM): did i ever fucking say i am fine
rockstar (8:41:17 PM): fuck
pineapple (8:41:22 PM): you did
pineapple (8:41:30 PM): i asked ‘are you over us?’ you said ‘yeah.’
pineapple (8:41:40 PM): i asked ‘do you miss it?’ you said ‘not really, i guess not.’
rockstar (8:41:47 PM): i never and i mean never let anyone know what is going on inside my head
pineapple (8:42:12 PM): fine
rockstar (8:44:13 PM): i never said not really ?
pineapple (8:44:18 PM): you know what, i would understand or try or something. but 1/2 the time i try to you dont’ wanna talk about it.
you said you did once, then blew me off for like two weeks. and i can’t talk about it now…i have to finish getting ready. you don’t
rockstar (8:44:19 PM): i said yes
pineapple (8:44:21 PM): you did to
pineapple (8:44:30 PM): i probably have it saved somewhere and could find it. you even told me over the phone you’re ok
pineapple (8:44:41 PM): it doesn’t bother you the way it does me
pineapple (8:44:47 PM): i can’t do this right now. pineapple (8:45:16 PM): now i have to go, my ride is going to be downstairs soon
pineapple (8:45:18 PM): bye
rockstar (8:45:31 PM): you dont understand
rockstar (8:45:35 PM): have a good night
so rockstar gets to be all kinds of selfish or whatever, and he wants me around when i’m just trying not to hurt so much over him. am i amused that he never liked one-nip the whore. yes. cuz i’m petty & bitter like that, but you know. fuck her, i hate her, she could burst into flames right now and i wouldn’t shed any tears. and stoopid name girl. if she gets mowed down by a bus, see if i care. i won’t be in mourning. fuck that.™
but the things he does to me. i mean, i barely stopped crying by the time bob arrived downstairs to drive me to norah’s party, yo. it sucked. he totally killed my mood for a good portion of the evening.
i just. i can’t fucking do this. i can’t understand it and i can’t explain it and i wish it would just stop. it’s not fucking fair that i gotta deal with all this bullshit. i mean, what the fuck did i do that was so fucking wrong, huh? what did i do to earn this? seriously?
WHAT THE FUCK!?
