you cannot measure a life in monetary value. there isn’t a number sufficiently equal. it’s just not possible.
i’m so bloody fucking exhausted all i want to do is lie in a heap for at least a week straight. shut all the lights, curl up in a ball and forget the whole world. but instead i get to deal with all the insanity going on here. i should be used to this kind of bullshit right now, but i’m just too tired these days.
this house breeds insanity, and stupidity. i’m positive of it. it hasn’t felt like home in years, every moment i spend here is awkward and uncomfortable — the walls are too close and thin, it’s stuffy and unbearably hot and dry, there’s clutter in every corner — and all i want to do is get the hell out of here.
the phone still rings all the damn time and my mom is constantly on it. it doesn’t matter if my brother is hungry or there’s stuff to do, she’s on the damn phone. people keep coming over, at all hours of the day, and it doesn’t matter if we’re too tired or sick or asleep; yet my mother is eating it up. some of them actually do mean well, but i don’t understand how that excuses the intrusion. people who never come over anyway, all of a sudden our on the doorstep, peering in. it feels like a god damned sideshow. and it scares my brother off, and he’s already skittish as hell.
then there’s my mother. i don’t know what her deal is, i gave up trying to figure it out when i actually was my brother’s age. it scares me a bit how calm he is about everything, but then i look over at her and realize he’s just avoiding as much as i am. i’ve had to take over the day-to-day operations and looking after nick, and she’s a complete mess…but reveling in it.
but lately i can’t even look at her without wanting to run screaming out of the room. this morning she was complaining about stupid shit like car payments not being paid off in full because…of life insurance not being as much of a payoff because…
i have no sympathy.
i’ve been financially responsible for myself since i was 16. i’m not always the best at it, but motherfuck…you do not bitch about not getting what you think is enough compensation for this kind of fucking loss. you just don’t. not if you’re a decent human being, you don’t. i have been doing everything under the sun to fucking hold it together and this is totally pushing me over the edge.
either i need to go on a murdering spree…or i need a drink.
