it’s only been mere days and already the house is full of stupid fights and yelling. i cannot wrap my head around how huge a fucking bitch my mother is…it really is unbelievable. this kind of environment makes me want to go on a murderous rampage, or just get in the car and drive out into the middle of nowhere until the car runs out of gas and just fucking scream until my throat bleeds.
i can only imagine what it will do to my baby brother, what it’s doing to him already.
people always ask me why i went so far away, why i’m in boston when everything i’ve always known and grown up around is here. fuck man, i’ll tell you why…it’s fucking unbearable here. oppressive and stifling and monstrous. it makes your skin crawl, and your insides boil, and everything feel like pure shit.
the minute i step in the front door i’m 12 years old all over again. full of impotent rage, counting down the seconds until i’m free. only now there’s not even a light at the end of the tunnel, no one is on my side anymore…because he’s gone…no one to step in the middle or let off some steam with in the quiet hours of the morning.
i wish i could take my brother away from all this. but what can i do with a child? there’s a number of specific reasons i’m never having children. and as much as i love him, i can’t give him all he needs right now. i just have to be there for him as best as i can. but god, leaving him here with this?
i’m a horrible person.
