2 years
732 days
104 weeks
17,568 hours
1,054,080 minutes
63,244,800 seconds
i don’t really talk about it. i don’t know how, or even if i would really want to in the first place. but it’s always there, always. i can feel it, pressing down on me and closing up my throat and blurring my vision.
some days it’s easier, some days it’s harder, but every day it’s there. every day. it’s there.
it’s there every day.
my heart and my mind wriggle and writhe around it the way your tongue investigates the gouged out hole where a tooth used to be post-extraction. curious, investigative, cautious. except, if you have a tooth pulled eventually the wound heals. it closes up and you forget about it and go about your business as usual. it’s temporary, transitive, fleeting.
this? this never goes away. it never goes away. ever. it will never go away. with each passing day it gets bigger, spreads out further, grows. i haven’t figured out if that’s better or worse yet, actually. 2 years ago…2 years ago it was this all-encompassing, all-consuming, razor-sharp, deafening, crushing, horrible black hole that swallowed up my whole world, my whole life, everything. there was just this, only this, and nothing else.
now? now is different. i wouldn’t say it has faded or even lessened, but instead of being concentrated in my heartthe center of my universe, it’s flooded out and expanded and branched out into everything. it colors my world. instead of feeling like i’m sinking into a deep abyss and falling forever it’s…i’m wrapped up in it, wandering around through it, living in a world enveloped by it.
to say it’s all loss is to underestimate everything. loss isn’t big enough a word, i don’t think. language doesn’t doesn’t have enough in it to convey everything properly.
there’s everything that i’m missing and will never get back. this is the part that is most raw, tender and painful. i’m sure it will always be this way.
there’s the person i was, and there’s the person i am now. they are not the same people and they never will be.
there is more (there is always more), but i have given myself a headache.
