i’m in a bit of a quandry right now. or, who knows, maybe i’m really not? it’s weird because i’m simultaneously not affected in any way/shape/form or even the slightest bit concerned but i’m also very, very disturbed and grossed out.
this makes no sense, right? none!
i almost feel wrong even having an opinion about this at all. which, i’ll need a shower and a stiff drink, at the very least, i think. you know, i’m babbling now…
bottom line: the ex has spawned.
he apparently found some poor, hapless female to put a baby in. and not only did she let him, but she didn’t spork that fucker out and bleach her uterus with clorox and fire.
ok, so maybe i still have some lingering hostility. just a bit.
i’m ok with that.
without going into details, the interwebs has informed me of the fact that he has not only survived and continues to survive in the world, but now he is multiplying. like a virus or fungus or some festering disease (hi, hostility! i <3 you). there is more of him now…
this grosses me out more than you can imagine. just the thought of it actually gives me a physical (barfy) response.
and on the flip-side? i am thrilled. THRILLED, i tell you! i could run through the streets singing and dancing and bursting with joy because of this one little fact, which is:
it is not me.
what i’m feeling most of all is a profound sense of having dodged a major, major fucking bullet. because not only is that psycho out of my life and far, far away from me physically. but i’ve successfully cut him out of my entire world (except for, obviously, this post).
i distinctly remember the icky conversations and moments when he would plan out “our future” and it included all sorts of horrifying prospects of mediocrity that are just nauseating. i never wanted to be the “little wife” and putting up with a musician is tiring and really just not for me. and who knows maybe he’s grown or changed or become a different person, but this is someone i knew for 8 years both within and without our relationship (and a few years after that disaster) and quite frankly, he wasn’t big on personal development. or anything not self-absorbed.
he also never paid attention to or acknowledged my opinions on the future, marriage or the fact that i am staunchly opposed to having children. he just kept talking about what “our children” would be like — which, horror of horrors, not only was he trying to put babies in me at all but he wanted to put babies, PLURAL in me — and saying that i would outgrow it.
you know what? i never out grew that, and finally went and did something to make sure that it’s not even a possibility.
i guess the thing that’s icking me out the most right now is that this knowledge, this information is kind of like a warped portal into the past (or future?)…
it’s like if a handful of things hadn’t have gone down the way they did and i were to be exceptionally stupid this is what my life would be. it’s a scary picture of what might have been, you know?
and no, i would never have stayed with him. and yes, i realize how fucked up stupid and blind i was when we were together. and NO, i can’t really remember why we were ever together or any moments that weren’t plain retarded, but…
if we had have stayed together, is that what would have happened?
the thought is too disgusting to contemplate. but i am so profoundly glad that he is not a part of my life, has been all but erased from my life, and will never be a part of my life again…
of course, i do feel a bit bad that i’ve even spared a single moment (or multiple moments) to think about this and subsequently the ex, because why am i wasting my time on this?
why, indeed.
