i haven’t been here in ages, it seems. but like, you can’t ever really walk away from this much history, you know? all my good things are here…well, some of them. all of my bad things, too. pain, memories, misery, despair…all that shit. this is where it lives. and maybe that’s why i’ve been gone so long? who knows.
but, you can’t ever really walk away. and it’s not like ‘oh wow, i’ve been so happy and thrilled all this time!’ quite the opposite, really. but it’s like, i just haven’t made an effort. which is just the lamest excuse there is, really. like, what is that, even?
it takes too much effort?
that’s pretty dumb.
i really need to work on that, though. it’s like so many things are being put off in life. all the things. and for what, really? what is the point? what am i waiting for? and it seems like i’m always waiting for something. waiting and waiting and just not much actual doing, you know? also pretty dumb.
the other night i passed out really hard core. on top of fuckin’ feeling like shit all the time, being exhausted from fighting off bronchitis and the world’s longest cold in the history of fucking ever, i just crashed. hardcore passed the fuck out.
it totally sucked, and i feel awful about it because it just put me that much more behind on like ALL THE THINGS. i hate that, i feel like i’m always behind and always playing catch up and there’s just no way to fucking win.
anyway, on top of all of that mess i was also having these weird nightmare things about dogs i had growing up. dogs i used to know, i guess. lady, gus, bruce, milo & otis…dogs i used to know.
god, is there anything more depressing than that? there really isn’t. even thinking about it just seems so awful and horrible and too, too much. dogs i used to know.
but that’s just it. i used to know them. the one i thought most about was gus, but he’s gone now. lady didn’t even really have a chance, after the puppies it was all over i guess. i don’t even remember 100% where bruce went, just that we barely had him at all. i barely had him at all. we found homes for milo & otis, but they couldn’t possibly be…
the point is…these dogs i used to know were from when i was about 8 years old to 10 years old. maybe up to 12? maybe, but most likely not.
so really, even just thinking of the math of it…
lady had to be 3 or 4 when we got her already…so just thinking of the math of it…
the completely horrible and awful and utterly wretched math of it…
they’ve been just reduced to dogs i used to know…
and it’s awful.
