the last few days before winter break holiday crunch. notoriously bad time of year, ya heard. everything, every thought inside my brain makes me hurt…because i can’t make sense of even half of them…because i start having horrific dreams that i don’t always remember (which is usually the case with me) but leave me feeling queasy and out of place all day. furthermore, i realized this weekend that if my gram were still around, i would 100% totally and completely be a different person entirely. rather than dreading going home, i’d most likely be wracking up insane frequent-flyer miles trying to get back every other weekend or something. i’d be so homesick it hurt.
but she’s not.
so i’m don’t.
and i’m not.
cuz i can’t.
what a cunning way to condescend
it’s kinda frightening to realize that i could *so* easily be a complete stranger to myself if one little thing changed. if one bit of life was different. but really, it’s every little bit…every tiny thing that if it changes, rotates a mere degree the whole works is thrown off balance. skewed.
would i have the same friends? same job? same life?
without hesitation: no, no, and no.
that’s frightening. what if, what if, what if? piled on top of what if ad infinitum. maybe i wouldn’ve never even went to school out of state, ya know? imagine that.
fucking imagine…
once my lover, and now my friend
and while we’re on the train of potentially destructive thoughts, now turn your pretty little head to this nugget of information. despite the speculation and introspection i’m currently wallowing in — which i think is totally a by-product of the insane holiday season/end-of-term stress — and a million other things that are vying for the #1 spot of what will destroy me…
…i’m…happy…
it’s weird. but i am, or maybe not so much happy, cuz i’m not entirely certain i believe that’s possible anymore. but i am content. damned content. good will and good fortune for all, right? but fuck if there isn’t this little niggling voice at the back of my mind that tells me since i am so contented and wouldn’t change anything in my life right now for all the money in the world, maybe i should exercise a little forgiveness and actually attempt to be his friend. or at least, civil.
oh, you creep up like the clouds
and this is just a horrid thought. because i don’t know why in god’s name i would even *consider* such a thing. it’s not like i’ll be ‘oh i’m so happy i’m going to reach out and make an effort to contact you’. i don’t even know what it is. i can think about him now and not get that aching pang on the deep down inside part that makes a lump rise in my throat…and let me tell you, that lump was *so* hard to swallow 9 times out of 10. every once in a while there’s this mellow reminiscing, and a meloncholy…t h i n g. that swarms my brain like fog creeping into the streets at night when i think of him. but on the whole…as recent events have proven; even if he were to express an interest in me again, i’d have to turn away.
moreover, i wouldn’t have to — and this is most important — i’d choose to.
and you set my soul at ease
because a great deal of this contentment comes from me being ok, more than ok, to just be me. figure out that i’m fine on my own, and that i love my friends and don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life. no matter how honorable they claim their intentions to be. blah blah blah trite, blah blah cliche, blah blah lame.
and when i think about the people i am sharing my life with right now. i get warm fuzzies like you wouldn’t believe. why? because, lest you forget, i am a 50 ft. girl. it’s true.
and these days, it’s deluxe.
then you let your love abound
i really should watch myself, so i don’t go getting all hallmark card up in here. and while i am all kinds of deliciously pleased right now…i’m wary. because two of what i consider to be the worst days ever are looming on the horizon. one this month, one next.
and you bring me to my knees
i honestly don’t know how i’m going to handle them. this month, i’ll probably be find. a bit regretful, a bit achy and hurt, but overall…i’m doin’ fine. ya know. it’ll probably be 90% regret, and none of that painful, choking longing that i had to deal with for so long…
but next month.
oh no…oh…say it ain’t so.
could very well be my downfall.
and i will do my very best to hold it together, and not give into the temptation of familiarity that i know will be lurking.
i don’t even think that temptation is the right word. no, it’s not, it isn’t. there won’t be anything even remotely tempting about it. but it will be a loitering deception just waiting for me to let my guard down.
once my flame and twice my burn…
i won’t let it.
