yesterday was a “meh” day all around. starting with the coffee i had at approximately 1 am to calmn my nerves; which, incidentally, kept me up damn near all night. suprise suprise, eh? but i couldn’t help it. it’s not every day your roommate gets in a car wreck, ya know. ay dios, poor scooter…her car is D-E-A-D dead. it was an o-r-d-e-a-l, for reals, but above all else thank the baby jesus and his pet cow that she was not injured in the slightest. seriously, it’s one hell of a happy miracle, especially considering just how fabulously destroyed her car was. thank god.
and so, the evening’s stress & worries bled into my day…making it meh all around. adding to this was the fact that i’m rapidly running out of work to do, because i’ve stopped slacking…or something. it seems everyone sort of had a meh day, too, though. so it wasn’t just me. even at job #2, things were kind of low key and frazzled. although, as the day wore on, my resolve to go to the gym was waning hardcore. it got to where all i really & truly wanted was to go home, play with lola and lie there in a heap. an unfortunate combination of restlessness and utter meh. but, i went, you know.
i ran, and was marginally pleased that i can run a mile a whole minute faster than i could last week. of course, i’m still i giant freaking cow. seriously, i have a looooooong way to go. i think i need to up my workout, too, keep pushing to that place where it almost hurts — and then go past it. i’ll try. i mean, 3 miles a day is nothing, right pathetic, actually. then the lifting…which, i clearly need to do more of, because i don’t think i’m doing it right or enough or something. i don’t get my really good workouts till the weekends, actually. i’m there two hours at the least. but i vow not to miss more than one, maybe two days at the gym per week. thus far, i’m doin’ good and haven’t missed one day since saturday. dear god…shanikqua must be rubbing off on me. tres lame!
but really, right now all i can see is everything that’s wrong with me, all the flaws and how far i have yet to go. all the things i can’t do or am currently doing wrong. this applies to more than just the gym, however. but like i said, presently, i am a freaking cow. and i always feel a bit gross & slightly guilty upon leaving the gym…yeah, guilty. like i should’ve done more, stayed longer, worked harder, etc. etc. etc.
and thus: M-O-O
home and some cuddling with the ever-adorable lola before my shower helped perk me up a great deal, actually. and when scooter got home we briefly ventured off for some impromptu dumpster diving. heh. only with scooter is something like that fun. i am forever grateful i have such a kick-ass roommate.
soon after, the boy showed up. and allow me a girly moment: yay! i know, i know — gag. i’m retarded, but it cheered me up, damnit. he had a meh-ish day too work-wise and it was very comforting to chill and have a drink with someone who understands. or maybe just seeing him. probably both. i don’t rightly know…and i don’t rightly care. i mean, sometimes i just look at him and wonder wtf he’s doing with me. scooter & i were talking saturday post-cho (during the acquisition of the yoda slurpee container) and i mentioned that he puts up with a lot of my shit. all the neuroses, all the psycho things i do, all the retardation and boring ass shit that is my life. i kinda realized that yeah, he puts up with me. and doesn’t complain…or you know, is building up a giant wad of resentment to hurl down upon my head and squish me into little bloody bits…
anyway, i think it’s best not to question these things. because that way leads to madness. conversely, i try to not let myself get overcome with girly mush because that makes me wary. i’d like to think i can at least exert some form of control over my pesky emotional crap. in theory. in practice i’ll just get drunk. or something… i’m far too cynical about such matters these days, i realize. boston has been my finishing school in the world of cynicism. either that or i was far too naive and retardedly innocent and trusting when i was younger. probably both. and a good deal of it is self-preservation and plain ol’ cowardly fear, of course. i’m sure of that. and really, how ninja is that?
not at all.
jetta, of course, thinks i’m being silly about this. she loves the boy, you know, she thinks he’s awesome. and he doesn’t begrudge me my friendship with her. he doesn’t make me feel guilty for any of my friendships, and that means a lot, really. and he bought my roommate a wookie-lolli and made her all happy with the delirious glee that only star wars evokes in her (note: geek!), and… hmm…jetta is right, he is pretty awesome.
i should make an effort not to suck so much. or at least be more appreciative outwardly. or something…because i am pretty damned lucky. i just suck with this sort of thing. and like, words & shit. and god. and the bible.
know what else is awesome?
JD & makeshift ghetto nachos straight from the jar of cheese for dinner. aw yeah. because i’m all growed-up, and can eat that shit if i want. also: when i’m not being an overly verbose little bitch. that’d be pretty awesome too.
moo
edit 2:48 p.m.:
p.s. god damn compulsively second-guess & question everything till it drives me mad. wtf is wrong with me? i fucking think too much…jeez.
