omg…so i totally went to see the matrix last night, right? with drucifer, johnboy & the meathead…i like, flew home from work via public transit and walked my ass home as fast as humanly possible…in my cute new sandals…that i was in the process of breaking in…earning me two — count ’em two! — gianormous blisters, to change into normal people clothes and fly out the door again for fresh pond.
of course, johnboy has seen the matrix before (re: day i gave up matrix for STAIND!), so he wasn’t excited…but i was damnit. drucifer also hadn’t seen it. and right now we give a rat’s about the meathead. so, moving right along. we get to fresh pond, get our tickets and i get myself some popcorn. because being the ever wise pineapple that i am, hadn’t eaten, and worked so late i missed the dinner that johnboy cooked up for me *pouts* hungry pineapple here! drucifer and meatymeathead wander upstairs to the theater and my johnboy stays with me while i procure sustenance…in popped corn form.
and then, onward to the matrix!
and we walk in the darkened theatre with the matrix sign above it and WTF? linkin park music? credits? WTF? we totally walked into the wrong theatre!
and when we wander into the ungodly hot theatre that we’re supposed to be in the guys just laugh cuz they totally did the same thing about five minutes before we did. and so, roll previews! well, roll previews and forget to turn the damned lights off until .2 seconds before the freaking movie starts! besides, nobody really wants to find nemo…disney is slippin’ yo, even with fanciful computer animation. also, shut up, tyrese! and fine as he is, shut up, paul walker! why in god’s green earth did they decide to make a sequel to the fast & the furious — with no vin, but plenty of ludacris? WHY I ASK YOU!?
STOP! before you proceed, know that the following contains spoilers of the matrix (e.g. recaps the whole damned thing) you’ve been warned…
anyway, the movie! weeee!!!! opening shot of trinity getting her scrawny, vinyl-clad ass beat upon by an agent, in some random building and flying through a window. *boom boom boom* yay random violence & fireplay! yay! and one of the super-secret service agent dudes goes flying out the window after her *insert trademark matrix slo-mo bullet action here* and they’re shooting, falling, shooting, falling, shooting, falling….*more slo-mo bullets* and GAH! right as the laura flynn boyle of the matrix hits her man, she gets pierced right perilously close to a vinyl-covered boob. that’s sad…
and while we all would’ve been happy to set some time apart and mourn the loss of a character who’s main function is to fly through the air wearing a vinyl sock for a suit, we are robbed the death of trinity by keanu bolting upright from spooning with the aforementioned wench. yeah, he was probably all kinds of upset at the infringement of mourning time as well. anyway, from them being all cuddly and sleepy with each other, we’re supposed to infer that since the last movie they loooooooooveee each other. deeply. TRUWUV4EVAH! you got that? remember that? write it down, lest you forget…or you know, if you’re johnboy, the sit there and go ‘man, she really isn’t hott at all, and very manly…more so than keanu.’ y’all see why i love this kid.
moving on! morpheus, long time no prophecy! oh, and the normal crew has been replaced by mercutio from baz lurhman’s romeo & juliet with really long dreads. awww mercutio! yay! and there’s some back & forth about mercutio not trusting morpheus and blah blah whatevercakes. although, considering the size of morpheus’ pores, i wouldn’t trust his facial hygiene routines if i were mercutio…
anywho, insert some blather here with the whole gang about the ‘last flight of the osiris’ and such, that you only know what the fuckever they’re talking about unless you saw merely for the sake of catching the 10 minute animatrix short film/striptease like some pineapples i might know, or downloaded it or something…and like, doom and shit. doom! doom doom doomie doomie doomie doomie doom!
oh, and zion is in trouble, or whatevercakes….digging machines and whatnot…seriously, people download the animatrix! download it! so they get together to ‘broadcast’ or whatevercakes, i.e. have a meeting. with other motley crews much like themselves. and jada is there! jada pinkett-smith, tryin’ to jock the style that she so can’t handle. hey jada, you are not jetta, so recognize! that is all…
blah blah orders, blah blah rebellion, blah blah doom. blah blah oracle. blah blah morpheus is on crack. blah. long story short, while all ships are supposed to dock in zion, morpheus wants to stay and have someone wait for the oracle’s message…ooohhh…prophecy prophecy blah. is anyone else squicked out that this movie based the fate of the whole human race on a belief that keanu is our messiah? anyone? anyone?
moving on! zion! and note, here i really enjoyed that whitescreen, translucent computery thingie that the zion gatekeepers had, i thought it was cool. and zion! which is kinda reminiscent of fraggle rock. but whatever. and there’s this lil ratboy lookin’ kid who is all ‘I LOVE YOU KEANU!’ and they’re like…uhhh…and they wander off some more. there is some stuff about a meeting of captains or whatevers, and this like ‘tension’ between dude with lisp, morpheus and jada…apparently jada used to bang morpheus but now she’s scrogging captain lispy rotten and there’s jealousy or whatever, clearly she really wants to be banging morpheus again…can i just take a minute here to say how much i freaking hate love triangles, in any way shape or form…seriously. if i never see another love triangle played out on screen again it will be too freaking soon!
on to the elevator! where keanu and trinity are seriously considering a 5 minute fuck before they get to their floor, where their sleeping quarters are! and privacy! damn…no, seriously, they’re mid-gropefest when the door opens to reveal tons of people with gifts waiting with bated breath for their dearly beloved Messiah Keanu! blah blah watch my child blah blah protect blah blah gifts blah blah we loved you in bill & ted movies! and trinity’s like damn fan club is seriously cramping my style…and goes to leave and keanu’s like ‘no wait!’ and she’s all ‘they need you…’ all put upon cuz he didn’t read his messiah for dummies like he was supposed to, and he’s all ‘but i need you.’ (read: blue balls! blue balls!) *ahem*
cut to mercutio walking into his cubbyhole apartment and shouting out the best line of the freaking movie:
WHERE’S MY PUSS–!?
oh hi kids�
seriously folks, i died right there. no matter what happened from then on out in the movie, i was absolutely hysterical…I LOVE YOU MERCUTIO! it made it even better because there were children and visitors for his woman and he was all ‘d’oh!’ furthermore, after the guests (family?) left, his woman totally didn’t kick his lil ass for calling her that? much less for referring to her like that in front of others? i mean…damn…i guess the only people gettin’ any on the S.S.Matrix are keanu & trinity…blah blah don’t leave mercutio blah blah promises blah blah morpheus blah blah crazy blah blah mush.
and there’s some yelling at morpheus by captain lisp. and whatnot. and then this creepy old dude who is clearly in charge or whatever, in a dress, no less, is all…blah blah. basically, they don’t know if the mole people of zion will be able to handle the millions and millions of machines that are burrowing into their city and if they should tell said molepeople. cuz what if they’re afraid? blah. and then more fraggle rock shots, er…i mean, zion. and they’re like introducing morpheus, like he’s fucking elvis or something. and he’s all ‘friends, romans, countrymen! the only thing we have to fear…is fear itself! and i am not afraid…because keanu is the bestest ever!’ and the villagers rejoice! then steel drums fashioned out of trashcans and such begin playing and the villagers bounce around like crazed apes caught in an electric fence dancing in a frenetic bout of epilepsy because of the joy that morpheus has brought them. apparently everyone loves him — everyone except captain lisp. even jada, who watches him and wets her pants…and if that was the slightest bit subtle you would wonder what i mean…but it’s not, so you know. there’s some back and forth about her wanting to ‘dance’ with morpheus and him all ‘some things change’ (read: you’re banging someone else now) and ‘some things never change’ (read: i’ll give you a pity fuck of ex-sex if you want) and captain lisp comes over and glowers and jada’s all ‘damn!’ and morpheus walks off all i don’t do threesomes.
cut to trinity and keanu who are all…if everyone is up in this dancerie, then no one is in our rooms and we can do it! and run off all happy and fast because they’re going to do it! *insert a bajillion shots of people dancing around crazy, and mercutio and his woman gettin’ down on the dance floor*
and then…OH GOD, MY EYES! MY EYES! MY EYES!!! *chokes* okay, i admit i go through keanu phases, but keanu and this trinity chick banging does NOTHING for me…at all…*insert random shots of people dancing, nippulars and such between screwcam shots* and it looks like neither of them are having any fun. then keanu has a vision of trinity dying (like in his dream) mid-boink and stops. at which point trinity makes a really pissed off/disappointed face like wtf…but because she loooooves him is all ‘what’s wrong honey?’ blah blah tell me blah blah tendernesscakes…and keanu’s all ‘i can’t lose you’ blah blah mush.
fast forwarding through me sitting there losing my taste for popcorn during one of the most unflattering ass shots ever after one of the longest filler scenes of dancerie/boinking i have ever seen in a movie keanu wakes up to wander around and meets with old head counselor dude, who basically extrapolates on the fact that while he’s in charge of the whole world of zion, they rely on machines much like the machines after them, but he’s too much of a dumb shit to know how the good machines work, and really doesn’t belong in charge, but is nonetheless…also, can he make out with keanu? cuz he so wants to…
a bit later, they’re off! the oracle sent a message! and morpheus is all ‘take that captain lisp!’ mr. smith (creepy old agent dude from the first matrix) can replicate himself and infiltrates zion/tries to kill keanu! orphan boy gives him a spoon! trinity gets the shaft on post-coital snuggling!
blah blah meetings blah blah must get morpheus to oracle blah blah. *sigh* folks, i really adored the first matrix, and still do…but i have to admit i got bored with this one so much…*sobs* damn damn! anyway, all these captain my captain folks are meeting and morpheus and jada are there and whatevers, but mid-meeting keanu perks up all ‘what’s that lassie?’ and goes sniffing around upstairs at the roof. and these two inconsequentials get a package for ‘neo’ from mr. smith. only they don’t know it’s him, right as keanu makes his way to them. and he’s all ‘meeting over. someone coming.’ (i’ve noticed that due to his stellar acting skills mr. reeves has command of so many lines in this flick) and right on cue another nameless agent comes crashing through the doors, followed by a few others and they’re all ‘do we beat on keanu? he’s *gasp* the one!’ and they’re like ‘yeah!’ and a fight ensues. not nearly as thrilling ast the first fights were…*sigh*
and keanu flies through the air, after much other crap takes place…fly keanu! fly!
which is referred to as his ‘super man thing’ *shakes head* shut up, mercutio.
there’s so much in this movie…damn homie. anyway, there’s crap about morpheus getting cleared to stay out of zion and the head council…FEATURING CORNELL WEST!!!…is all ‘who will volunteer to help morpheus’ and random dude is like ‘i will!’ and captain lisp is all ‘whine whine bitch bitch complain complain mine is bigger!’ and then jada is like ‘i will go too.’ and captain lisp is all WTF? and she’s like ‘i do what i can.’ (read: i really want to bang morpheus again sometime) seriously, folks, you can only infer the love between morpheus-jada-captain lisp because of one line…one FREAKING LINE!!…and we’re supposed to *know* they looooved each other…bah!
so keanu gets to the oracle…and meets a rather hot looking lil asian dude…mmmm. anyway. dude is like ‘i’m sorry.’ and keanu is like ‘for what?’ and dude goes ‘for this!’ and starts to kick his ass. and they fight, and it’s a fairly cool sequence but the longer i watch keanu on screen the more i realize he’s wearing a dress…he really is folks, a long black dress with a ‘nippy lil waist’ (tm jetta). *sighs* so much for the keanu phases of yore…damn. anyway they fight blah blah blah…and finally the dude is like ‘ok lets go see the oracle!’ and keanu is all wtf was that for? lil dude goes ‘i had to make sure you were the one *ominously* many enemies has the oracle.’ and keanu, very put upon, is all ‘duuuude, you could’ve just asked.’ and lil guy is all ‘you don’t REALLY know someone till you fight them.’ *wink wink nudge nudge* but nevermind, asian dude is hot and keanu is in a dress, so no wonder. and they go into a long white hallway, and keanu’s all ‘who are you.’ and the guy goes ‘i must protect That Which Is Very Important’ so protector opens another door and there is the oracle woman…yay.
blah blah banter blah blah sit your dopey ass down keanu blah blah candy blah blah prophesy blah blah fishcakes. apparently the oracle is nothing more than a piece of code that has keanu all in a tizzy and he has freaky dreams and blah blah keymaker and the oracle is the only code i know that really likes candy. oh and angels, ghosts, werewolves and vampires are all real, but they are merely really badly behaving piecs of code that need a spankin’. *shakes head*
and protector nods at the oracle woman and she’s like ‘times up!’ and toddles off and keanu is like…thanks a lot lady. and then enter mr. smith. ah mr. smith, how we’ve missed your monotone diatribes. they clash so lovely with keanu’s stupefied silence. mr. smith is all blah blah freedom blah blah destruction blah blah purpose…and while he’s talking more and more clone smiths walk out and keanu’s like whaaaaaaah? while the original keeps talking as they close in on him…and THEN mr. smith tries to finger keanu…but he’s all ‘homie don’t play that!’ and resists…a fight ensues.
*twenty-five minutes later* still fighting, a million and a half freaking mr. smiths frolicking with keanu and he pulls a pole out of the ground and there’s fifteen more minutes of mr. smith vs. keanu fighting. which, sadly to say, you can so totally tell is primarily computer animated because of some truly fake ass shots…*sighs* finally, keanu tires of that shit and does his superman shit and flies off. the million mr. smith march looks after him witha million constipated faces and whatevers off…
so, looking for the keymaker! which leads them to this restaurant in a huge ass building that apparently has every floor wired with explosives. because the matrix totally makes noises that only dogs and keanu can hear, and he’s so ‘tuned in’ to it all. and then they meet mr. french. no seriously, he’s like, french stereotypes embodied. he has a weird ass name, that kinda sounds like merril lynch…but i wasn’t paying attention enough to rememberize it. apparently, mr. french has the keymaker held hostage, cuz he’s a baaaad baaad man…only like, not.
anyway, cue really awful french accent and blathering, and enter the orgasmic cake! okay…i can take the horny keanu before, and i seriously loved the ‘where’s my poontang’ line of before, but dude, was this written by a horny thirteen-year-old? basically, mr. french made a dessert (aka code) that gets chicks off in a digitized explosion of orgasmic ecstacy after only one bite…*scoff* and there’s a whole bunch of diatribe about ‘causality’ tied to them all watching blonde chick with gianormous knockers get her rocks off on a million calorie treat…then mr. french dismisses them all ‘neener neener he’s my keymaker and you can’t have him!’ and to use the lil boys room. his wife sits there and undresses keanu with her eyes. morpheus, trinity and keanu are all…sad dog, and then the elevator opens to show wife of mr. french, who is such an utterly useless character that i refuse to bother to learn her name. also, most. unflattering. dress. ever. and she could really be a lovely girl, but dude…too bad, so sad. basically, the .2 second gasm is all mr. french is good for and he’s not dickin’ it to wife of french like he used to. and she could ‘just see’ the love between keanu & trinity ‘all over them.’ and she wants some too, damnit! basically, she’s willing to give them the keymaker for a kiss from keanu. damn…so…weak.
anyway, keanu first is all…wha? and trinity is all ‘y’all best step up off my man, biotch!’ and then finally they agree and he gives her his bestest dead fish kiss ever! and wifey of french is like ‘puh-leaze!’ keanu, and his suffering manego look up and are all ‘wait! one more chance!’ and he slobbers on her for a whole 10 seconds, at which time she’s turns to trinity and goes ‘lucky, but you so won’t last.’ or whatever. on to the keymaker! a delightful lil dude they keep locked up in a room full of keys. awww…
as they make their way through the house of french, mr. french show up and is all ‘wifey have you gone insane?’ and she curses at him in french and is all ‘your lipstick is smeared’ while he wipes at his weasely lil french face…and she adds ‘she wasn’t kissing your face‘ and he’s all ‘d’oh!’ while the rest look on like it’s a domestic spat on cops or something…*yawn* then mr. french sics his two rasta-albino twins up on lil keymaker and he spooks and is all ‘i’m not going back there!’ and runs off as fast as his lil legs can take him. morpheus and trinity are all ‘damn!’ and keanu’s all ‘get him…i’m fine.’ and gives everyone else a meaningful look. trinity and morpheus chase after keymaker while the twins do this really kick ass trick of theirs that is totally spoiled in the trailers and, sadly, seems played after seeing similar stunts in the x-men by nightcrawler (who i loved!). keanu looks at frenchy’s henchies (couldn’t help self) and a fight ensues. and there’s all these weapons and antiquities and shit and it’s really cool. this was one fight scene where i was like, yay!
but, being The One and all…keanu defeats them, as frenchy stares on in disbelief. and he’s all…’you’ll never get me!’ and runs off in a snit. keanu, who’s unbelievably slow when chasing after a scrawny lil french dude, misses him and opens the door to find mountains. he stares out over them all thoughtful and contemplative while morpheus and trinity fight the casper duo and keymaker damn near has a heart attack…
anyway, they escape in a car while the extra special albino duo gives chase…and as cool as they look and everything, i really feel these two are largely unexplained and such. they are yet another plothole that i feel was gouged in sacrificed to the ridiculously long dancerie/random nippular shots…anyway, there’s some back and forth between mercutio (back in the neb), morpheus and trinity about the freeway and thus the car chase/semi-stunt/motorcycle scene ensues. and keanu wanders around on the mountains some more, all ‘dude, where’s my car?’
anyway….longest…car…chase…ever…and morpheus and trinity are carting the keymaker around with agents and the albino duo after them. anyway, it ends up that the car they were driving gets trashed and morpheus takes on the duo with a sword on foot while trinity and keymaker dude go off on a motorcycle. it’s rather disappointing that despite their ability to transport themselves and some really cool stunts and stuff, they are easily squelched by an explosion from morpheus…sad. anyway, then somehow, morpheus ends up with keymaker again and trinity escapes, cuz as the agents say, ‘she’s of little importance.’ and it’s all on morpheus and his bald, bald head to save the keymaker…on top of a semi…fighting an agent.
many many near miss, almost falling off the semi later and jada to the rescue! morpheus falls off the semi for good this time but lands on jada’s car….and is all ‘i’m so grateful i could fuck you right here….cuz that’s what the script tells me i should feel.’ it’s at this point i’d like to think that lawrence fishburn is boycotting his alleged romance with jada’s character in response to her so miserably failing to jock jetta’s style…and nobody can tell me other wise.
ANYWAY! just at the point where two agents are gonna squish morpheus and grandpa keymaker between two semis…keanu flies in and whisks them away. yay keanu!
so now, crunch time. will zion be saved? is keanu The One? will trinity die? does morpheus secretly love keanu?
anyway, there’s a building with ‘The Source’ and blah blah alarmcakes blah blah powercakes blah blah one chance only cakes! and keanu’s all don’t go into the matrix trinity!
so…they’re executing the plan, but something is awry! awry i tell you! and one of the participating ships is attacked by machines and they die…before they can turn off the building’s power. but there’s no way to contact keanu! oh no!!! whatever shall they do? oh zion!
but wait, trinity’s all ‘i gots to do something!’ and plugs in. bad idea jeans! stupid bitch. stuuuupid. cuz she’s so gonna die. and she’s hacking into the building’s security which is built on a unix mainframe…she’s ssh’ing in, people…gah!
anyway, mr. smith comes and tries to thwart keanu, morpheus and key maker…thwart thwart thwart, but alas, he fails. and *cries* keymaker gets shot! damn i loved that lil guy. but he’s all ‘here’s the key to take morpheus home, and keanu knows all so he’ll figure out which door.’ meantime, trinity’s kickin’ ass with agents much like the opening scenes.
cut to keanu walking into the door of light…aka the source…aka another couple million in effects…where a bearded evil colonel sanders is sitting in a white room surrounded by screens. keanu stares blankly. blah blah 6th version of The One blah blah destruction of zion blah blah The Architect (who created the matrix) blah blah perfection blah blah the architect once scrogged the oracel and many shots of the miniKeanus on the screen going nuts and at one point giving everyone the finger…heh.
so it all boils down to saving zion for the next round of destruction and the one v.7.0 or saving trinity — who is dying out the window as they deliberate. and keanu is all ‘i want my cake…and i want to eat it too!’ snerk. and he storms off and basically tells the architect to shove it and zooms out the door to save trinity.
mercutio is all…’i’ve never seen anything this fast, ever.’ as keanu whirls through the air all wizard of oz tornado style, still in his nippy lil dress. and right after trinity is shot, keanu catches her! just as the building exploderizes and everything. and he clutches her and takes her to random rooftop, cuz you see, screw mankind…he LOVES her people…LOVE…love love love. SEE? DO YOU SEE IT? HE HOSED MANKIND BECAUSE OF THE LOVE?! that’s what makes him different from all the other ‘ones’. and trinity’s all dying and he’s like ‘don’t leave me cakes.’ and there’s much coughing of blood and such, and he pulls the bullet out of her through power of his super duper matrix skillz yo. and she’s like ‘i love you’ and then gasps her last as morpheus and mercutio watch on from the neb. keanu looks sad. when did this become a love story? whatever.
keanu reaches into her body, which we see in digitized, matrix outline typies form and squishes her heart and is all ‘live damnit!’ and she opens her eyes, and hacks some more and he’s all yay. and kisses her. like, ew.
then they cut back to the neb, and morpheus is all, ‘why isnt’ the war over? keanu?’ and keanu’s all let me rain on your parade….rain rain rain! blah blah lies blah blah zion blah blah oracle blah blah pout. and they’re like noooo! and such. then machines attack. and they must escape!
so escape they do, but as machines are closing in on them…keanu perks up all ‘what’s that lassie?’ again and is all ‘something’s different. i feel them.’ and stares after the machines like a stupid shit. everyone else is like ‘c’mon you stupid shit!’ and he raises his feeble lil not-in-the-matrix hand and a whoosh of light disables/destroys the machines after them as he convulses and collapses to the ground. trinity realizes her stupid shit boyfriend is still standing out there and goes after him, then cries ‘keanu!’ i mean…neo…
cut to a shot of keanu, looking oh so emaciated in on a bed like thing in another ship’s hospital. from what i gather, there were some errors and zion was destroyed, it was a massacre…all were killed…destruction destruction destruction. bitter random man explains to morpheus in one room while trinity looks after keanu and his TINY TINY WAIST in the infirmary…anyway, bitter man is all…’no one survived, and the machines kept digging.’ no one…except for one man. the man that mr. smith infected…and made insane…which we find out…panning the camera up from keanu’s NIPPY LIL WAIST and across to the bed nest to him, with mr. crazy pants hooked up….dun dun dun!
then in craptacular plain green type ‘to be concluded’ flashes the screen as the credits roll…bah.
also, it is hot as fuck in that theatre. air conditioning much?
i haven’t completely processed it yet. but dude…i loved the first one, and the animatrix was hella cool. and i have the soundtrack which is pretty kicky, especially cuz it has linkin park in it. and i love them. i just hope that this two hour-long filler flick was exactly that, leading up to a great final piece. if not i’ll riot. or you know, bitch some more… ;-)
in sum, it was definitely worth giving up for staind, no diggity, no doubt!
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