the screen is black and all you hear are dog noises and bullets. oh lord, are they killing a dog? open to edward norton and fugly foreign dude and dying dog. awww…it’s bloody — oh hell! bloody dying dog attacks edward norton and there’s this back and forth about saving the dog and putting it out of its misery. ‘he’s not ready to go yet.’ of course he’s not, ed. the dog looks possessed. and portly foriegn dude wants nothing to do with it. but finally the dog is hoisted into the trunk of a rather nice old car.
rule #1, you can not grab half-dead animal. yes, portly foreign dude, i agree.
and there’s some confuserating about murphy’s law, which pfd believes to be doyle’s law. an some unfunny about him beign foreign and massacreing the english language.
fade in to credits: a spike lee joint…john wonders if he ever has actually seen a spike lee movie from the couch. i’m all ‘he’s done lots of movies.’ but you know what? i can’t rightly rememberize any off the top of my head. bah. i feel that maybe malcom x was a spike lee joint, but at this point i dunno.
new york. as evident from thetimeline and the ridiculously gianormous lights that now consume ridiculous amounts of electricity in honor of the wtc. great to see their taking a tragedy and turning it into a giant waste of $$.
john is bored by the credits. and true, they are not as fantastical as spiderman’s credits were. although now tons of movies jock that style.
fade in on edward norton and bloody dying dog, revived!! the dog is named doyle. oh i see, after the law confuseratin’. ha ha. oooh and ed has a goatee and stash now. i think he’s a dealer, as this crackhead pesters him for about 10 minutes. ‘i’ll remember this.’ he threatens when ed refuses to give up the goods. crackhead leaves and ed & doggie doyle wander off. they’re in a dog park i think, or central park. whatevers. it’s all serene and sunshiny and definitely warmer than here where the devil lives!!! GOD DAMN NEW ENGLAND!!
john says ‘that’s a nice dog.’ i agree…we both want a dog sometime, a golden retriever. john thinks we should call it goldie, but i think that would be stupid. ‘goldie…or snarf…that would be good.’ he says…i agree, snarf would be much better than goldie.
and we bitch about the opening credits being dull and with NEVERENDING LOUD MUSIC and miss some stuff where ed norton ends up in a high school. and weird woman is all, why the fuck are you here? and he’s like ‘i used to go here.’ and she’s like ‘leave, and take the dog with you.’ and ed is like ‘look at me when i was a youngin’!’ and points out an unfortunate picture of himself as a wee lil ed norton. weird woman is like ok and they blah blah about basketball till he asks for his friend.
fade into shot with anna paquin reading somethin’. and the class discusses it and anna, who’s dressed really extra sluttish like, is all ‘he want’s to get laid!’ extrapolatin’ on the middle english crap they were reading. hah. she’s clearly the class slut, and with the eyes she tosses at fat teacher she’s clearly fucking him. ed notices this and is all ‘how do you do it?’
fat teach is all ‘sorry class’ and anna doesn’t tear her eyes off of him. just as fattie sits down, the bell rings. fattie is familiar but i can’t remember from where. then he’s in another room and anna walks in with her unfortunate stomach tattooand her WAY TOO SHORT non-tshirt. hobaggins. anna gets all freaky on his ass about how she’s better than everyone else and everyone is stupid and college and blah blah blah and ‘kid who writes about his grandma dying is a ree ree!’ and he’s like ‘you’re hot.’ and mentions her stomach tattoo. i’m feeling that maybe he paid for anna to get the tattoo. and after some indirect flirteration she storms out angry that he’s not going to change her grade. whatever. also,ew.
shifty eyed man. ooh he’s familiar. something pepper. he hangs up on fattie. he’s in a stock room, news room, something. oooh…his name is frank (in the movie). he’s really nervous/anxious i think. and this boss-like dude comes over and bitches at him for a while. hmmm…he drinks too much red bull. and after he product-places it and boss dude mentions it i figure maybe that’s why frank here is so jumpy. frank picks on the mail dude and yells at him for wearing a stupid shirt with a stupid tie.
a mini-frank bugs him about getting yelled at by bossman and all that and frank is all ‘do i come into your bedroom and tell you how to blow your boyfriend?’ heee. some number comes out and all hell breaks loose. frank is happy though. wha
rosario dawson sitting on a street corner. heh. ed and doggiedoyle walks up. rosario bitches at him. she’s wearing hootchie cut-offs. then she kisses ed. they go up into one of their apartments. rosario is still bitching at ed. shut up, rosario. i feel that ed is going to jail…and it’s his last night of freedom. at least, that’s what i remember from the previews. rosario is still snappish. and she has a cindy crawford-style mole, but it is not attractive on her. poor girl. maybe i’m just experiencing some instant rosario hate cuz she used to date JJ. or maybe it’s cuz she’s such a bitch to an otherwise pleasant ed.
voice over into a fatherhood discussion with rosario and ed in the tub. bubblebath. and ed calls children ‘chalupas’. heh. and then ed notices a tattoo of something htat is apparently a puerto rican thing on her and they discuss the culture thing briefly and that ed has no ass. which is their ‘tactful’ way of mentioning the fact that ed & rosario are not the same race, but they’re dating (their characters, that is). enter the cops. and they have a search warrant.
doggiedoyle cops a ‘tude with the cops (heh) and they threaten to ‘pound his ass’. not cops, dea, or whatevercakes. blah. and he’s all ‘this couch sucks’ and unfunnies about the padding of the couch as rosario stands there in her robe and ed is all, damn you guys. fat cop opens up the couch and ooh holy hell…there’s a shit load of money in the couch. ed’s character’s name is monty, apparently.
there is also drugs in the couch. a LOT of drugs.
stupid dea. and ed is bummed together and rosario is bitching at him still. ed is understandably upset about it being ‘his last night and his only’ and she’s like, you mean ‘ours’ and he’s like no ‘mine’ and blah blah. and she’s like…fight fight bitch bitch. then he asks her to wear some silver dress and leave.
portly foreign dude is hitting on anything with tits, in a hideous purple shirt. pfd wants to make sure ed is at some party. ooh. pfd makes some unfortunate comment about mexicans and ed is like ‘she’s puerto rican, fool.’ indeed. and furthermore, fugly ass purple shirt. ew. rosario has eavesdropped the whole convo.
brogan’s pub? bar? diner? whatevers. welcome firefighters banner hangs over the hall and apparently it’s like a fireman’s club or something. ed is talkin’ to some old white-haired due. and some woman brings steaks over to them. ed & whitey munch munch. whitey is his dad. ed could have been ‘anything he wanted’ according to his dad. and whiteydad is all ‘i shouldn’t have drank so much when ur moms died.’ ed is like ‘shutup, dad’ and leaves a perfectly god steak untouched. ungrateful bastard.
whoa…he goes insane in front of the mirror. fucking the seiks and the pakistanis and the squeegie men and everything else in the whole city. fuck the gays. fuck the koreans, fuck the russians, fuck the wall street brokers, (ha ha about bush & cheney), fuck the puerto ricans, fuck the italians, wow…ed is so having a fuck the world moment. bwah ha ha…he’s offending everyone in the free world in one giant monologue with some funny mirror trick thing. bwah. i should be offended, i really should. but i’m amused by the brilliance of this. and WHOA at the osama bin laden slam. apparently ed norton’s character is irish. fuck fat teacher and frank. rosario is natural rivera…wtf kind of name is that. but fuck her too. ‘fuck this whole city and everything in it.’ from one end to the other. hmmm…fuck the world indeed, ed. fuck the world. heh.
but then he ends it with ‘no, fuck you montgomery [unintelligible] you had it all and you threw it away, you dumb fuck.’ ed is all ‘do you trust my girlfriend.’ to his dad. and he’s like wha? ed extrapolates on how the only people he trusts are whiteydad, fat teach and frank. whiteydad gives him a picture of the fam damily when they was young, and when ed was a lil wee guy.
fat teach goes to frank’s apartment. i think the dude’s real name is barry pepper, but i don’t rightly remember. they share a manly beer together and the soundtrack wails. they stare out the window at the unfortunateness that is ground zero and unfunny about how barry/frank isn’t gonna move because he paid a shitload for an apartment in that locale and fuck terrorism. i feel this is spike lee’s meta statement on 9/11. whatevers. they sit with their beers an mourn/bitch about ed’s drug dealin’ ways and how he’s going to the clink. frank is all ‘he’s great but he deserves it’ in a nutshell. fat teach wants to know what’s going to happen to doggiedoyle. fat teach says it’d be nice if he could take doggiedoyle. frank is like you’re a dumb shit. they drink more beer. fat teach is going off about ed & jail, and frank basically sugar coats for him that because ed is kinda purty he’s going to get assromped if he goes to jail. and fat teach is like…what are you talking about? frank is all ed is gone, dude. #1. he’s gonna run & never come back. #2. he’s going to do himself in to avoid ass rompage. #3 he’ll go to jail and become someone’s bitch and never be the same again. bye bye ed.
ed in a white room. he’s being questioned? rosario is held back by someone. and search warrant cop dude is all ‘your spanish broad is hot.’ ed looks at him all ‘douche bag.’ and they like back and forth about her stupid ass name. the cops are all rosario’s a traitorous bitch, dude. and he’s like…shutup. they pick on him, three cops versus one lil’ ol’ ed norton. aww. he goes off about how he can probably get off.
cop #1 explains some rockefeller law thing that ny apparently has. and how edward norton is pretty much going away for a long, long, loooong ass time. but the main deal is how he’s basically there so the cops can get to someone else. ed turns to cop #2 and is all ‘can i ask a question?’ and cop #2 is like ‘sure’ and ed goes ‘when you have your dick in his mouth (cop #1’s) does he keep running his mouth like that?’ and i’m like hee! then they tell ed that he’ll be in prison getting assromped by someone who calls you shirley. aww.
frank and fat teach in a restaurant. eating and talking about being single or straight or whatevers in new york. and about their bachelordom. yawn. apparently fat teach has chronic halitosis. and he gets offended that frank is inthe 99th percentile of of mens in new york. and frank goes, i have a huge dick. lmfao…suuuuure ya do. fat teach gets all offended and such and is like, you need to use silverware, punk. fat teach has dick envy. frank just burps at him. haha. and starts attacking fat teach for being rich. fat teach gets squirmy.
ed in the park, staring at two girls who appear to be a younger rosario and a friend of hers. whatevercakes. is this how they met or something? hmmm…flashback? young rosario and her girl yammer some more. ed walks up to young rosario and asks to use her lighter. she pulls it out of her stockings. supposedly that’s supposed to be sexy or something, maybe. it’s not. other girl leaves, and is all ‘we have practice, c’mon!’ young rosario plays basketball. but she’s smoking all kinds…basketball player, huh? sheahhh right. she stays behind to talk to ed. yeah, i guess this is how they meet. ed is like ‘you look like a track star.’ bwah. he finds out her name is naturel/natural. ed is all mackin’ on her. and she’s like…feh. but awww…i like ed. :)
fat teach and frank go to the bar. there’s a brief convo with the bar wench, and they continue to blather about something unimportant. the only thing i clue in on is something about asking for stuff in victoria’s secret in child’s sizes…ew. and fat teach gets all nervous. yeah, he’s bangin’ anna paquin.
in walks rosario. and frank is all ‘what’s up with women thinking other women with great tits are sluts.’ and rosario’s all ‘i have great tits.’ they laugh. there’s some more blah blah about The Mystery That Is Woman and rosario sits there in her really unfortunate silver dress. then she goes off to the bathroom. in walks ed. i decide i don’t mind the face fuzz on ed too much. and then i realize that john totally left 10 minutes ago to take a damned shower. bwah!
i showered earlier though damnit, i have no excuse. feh.
ed & rosario walkin’ somewheres…night. fat teach & frank is with them. they’re going to what, a concert? club? whatevers? ed walks in front of the line and meets up with the bouncer. they talk and ed gets his VIP on. as fat teach is stalking after them anna walks up in more slutwear. she’s trying to slut her way in and being really unfortunately slutty and ed walks up and anna is all ‘i’m with fat teach and we’re lovers.’ ed is amused. fat tteach is trying to hide the fact that he really wants to see anna’s naughty bits.
club. typical extras bouncing their booties. anna won’t shut the fuck up. ed is all shut up. rosario is all ‘who’s she?’ and ed explains that fat teach likes to spend quality time with his friends. anna slams some champagne. anna leaves to dance and rosario heads off as well. frank goes in search of whiskey. craig mack plays in the background and i get supremely amuserated by that. while ed and fat teach talk about the possibility of fat teach banging anna. ed is all just don’t touch her yet…cuz anna’s playing a 17-year-old ho. fat teach is really dopey lookin’ with his stupid yankees aht and his fugly jacket. ed asks him to make a toast to have a great memory by and fat teach just sits there and damn near drools on himself with stupidity. ed asks fat teach to take doggiedoyle and at first he is all ‘ooh no my apartment is too small’ and ed is blah blah saving dog blah blah best thing in my life blah and finally fat teach agrees.
frank is all ‘this place is jumpin’.’ shut up, frank. then he asks about anna. and it gets awkard for a minute until portly foreign dude shows up and oh, apparently he’s ukrainian, not russian. whatevers. he’s still wearing the wretched purple shirt. blah squared. portly fat dude offers ed a woman. more unfunny about how portly fat dude can’t speak english worth a shit. and he is all…daaaaarrrrr. ed & frank follow him upstairs in the club that most definitely does not look bumpin’. ed blows off portly foreign dude for ‘five fuckin’ minutes’ to talk to frank. rosario and anna are almost grindin’ on each other. ew.
ed says how rosario is the only girl he’s fantasized over even after he banged her. too much information. then he goes on to talk about how he got screwed over and he should’ve gone straight before he got caught. ed says how he’s so damned purty he’s going to most def get assromped. some really unfortunate mental image of ed without teeth giving head to fat dudes in prison. ew. thanks for that image ed!
frank is all ‘buck up lil’ camper!’ and ed just sits there and mopes. ed says in 7 years frank will forget him. frank is al ‘we’ve known each other since we were three!’ and ed is like ok. frank gets emotional.
close up on anna’s unfortunate tattoo. damn the music in this is loud. and anna can’t dance. i’m glad i saw x men 2 before i saw this cuz i like the character of rogue, but hate anna in this. i left bug john about leaving me to watch this when i come back anna is wearing fat teach’s hat and going nuts over ed & rosario & rosario’s stupid name ‘all natural! 100% natural!’ and fat teach is lookin’ at her like she’s a one-way ticket to prison for him. she’s really gross. and stupid. she’s nasty jailbait. and fat teach is so going for it. gross. he follows her up to the bathroom. she opens the door and asks him if he needs to pee. he’s all ‘no’ and comes in with her. ew. ew squared. ew ew ew ew.
OMFG MY EYES!!! MY EYES MY EYES MY EYES MY EYES!!!
for the love of all things holy and pure god damn you to hell anna paquin! and damn you even more fat teach!!! he totally made out with her all kinds in a bathroom. ew. then he stumbles out all drunken like and is all…wtf have i done. anna stares at herself in themirror like a dumb bitch and takes off his hat. ew.
rosario and frank talk about ed. this whole movie is all about ed. and it makes rosario upset. she’s all ‘ed doesn’t trust me’ and i realize that she really doesn’t have nice tits, at all. maybe it’s just cuz of hte hella unfortunate dress that she’s wearing. the silver one, the one that ed asked her to wear. maybe he really does hate her, maybe he wanted her to look that stupid (cuz she does) so he asked her to wear it. frank blah blahdee blahs about how they could’ve saved ed and frank is like ‘you’re totally banging him for the money’ frank throws down the guilt trip hardcore and she’s like step off lil man. she’s like ‘why you blaming me?’ rosario gets uptight. frank accuses her of only being after money. then he accuses her of giving up ed. she calls frank ‘francis’ which makes me wonder if they ever fucked. then he calls her a Very Bad Racial Slur and i call him a douchebag. natural rivera…wtf kind of name is that. she walks off after slapping him. fat teach walks up and frank is still staring after natural. fat teach’s name is jake. he orders water, frank orders jack for him.
ed gettin’ felt up by someone for ‘security’ reasons as portly foreign dude and him wait to meet with Someone Very Important in Drug Land. he went ot prison at 14 for the first time, apparently. whatevercakes. nowhe’s a big bad drug lord and the world should respect him. he’s giving ed the ‘going to prison’ pep talk. ed is like why are you telling me this. drug lord is looking upwards perpetually. is he blind? stupid? retarded? wtf? it’s distracting me. his eyes continuallly go upwards. what is up with that? i can’t even really pay attention to the fact that he mentions whiteydad or anything like that cuz good lord, why is he continually lookin gup? drug lord’s name is nicholae…but god, he looks like a mental patient. is having creepy eyes and only being able to stare straight the fuck up his version of acting russian? then for no reason they start beating the shit out of portly foreign dude. maybe it’s because of that ugly purple shirt. they all tell ed that portly foreign dude is the reason he’s going to jail, and they hand him a gun. ‘why’d you tell me it was her!? why!? why!? why!’ he screams (meaning rosario) and portly fat dude just squirms and braces himself to die. ed can’t do it. he listens as drug lord says something Ominous but Meaningful and leaves them to beat the shit out of portly foreign dude.
car with ed, frank & jake the fat teach. they drive to someone’s apartment…oh wait, wait it’s eds! and doggiedoyle is there! weee…rosario is sleeping. she bugs me. ed comes into the bedroom and looks at her. they do have a nice apartment. maybe i should deal drugs. mental note: deal drugs for $$$ but don’t get caught. check. ed shares a Moment with rosario about how he’s sorry for putting her through so much crap. and they kiss. she asks him to stay and he’s like ‘i want to but i can’t.’ she rolls over and looks thoughtful.
day: ed walking doggiedoyle with frank and jake the fat teach, now henceforth known as pervert teach. they’re on the park/bridge thing that ed was at in the beginning (after the rescue of doggiedoyle) and watching a tugboat. they meander through the park and ed is like let’s go. which i’m wondering if he’s going to jail, why isn’t he there all ready? i’ve never been to jail but do they give you a day to go and say you can wander around the world for days and days until then? i find this all very bewildering. this movie is to criminals what the deathbed movie is the sick and dying.
‘i need you to make me ugly.’ ed asks. frank is like ‘if i give you a black eye they’re still gonna buttfuck ya.’ ed says he can’t be pretty when he goes to jail. frank refuses to beat his ass. pervert teach tries to calm the fighting and they tell him to shut up. eventually ed accuses frank of wanting to bang rosario. frank ends up straddling ed adn beating his ass. ed lies there after telling him to do it. perv teach has to pull frank off as he cries with his bloody bloody fist. ed really looks messed the fuck up. oh ew. yuck. wow i don’t like frank. buti don’t like rosario either, so i hope he does end up fucking her cuz they so deserve each other. and then the sound cuts outcompletely as they regroup. it’s weird. and frank is bawling obviously loudly or whatevers but there’s no sound. ed pats his back comfortingly, gets his jacket and staggers off. i think he spits out a tooth. ew. poor ed. he really is skinny and frail.
down the street rosario sees him and is all OMFG! and runs up to him and is like OMFG! cuz he really is beat up …bad. then her and her unfortunate mole clean up ed’s poor beaten face. she’s so not cindy crawford. ed cries about what an idiot he is. wow. he’s so skinny and pale. with his shirtless self. someone knocks on the door and rosario lets in whiteydad. he sees ed and is all ‘who did this to you?’ ed rolls off the couch and is all ‘gotta go.’ and god damn is he EVER fucking pale and skinny. EAT EDWARD NORTON! EAT!!
psa time: annorexia is not hot. not in the slightest.
poor edward norton. wow they really did fugly ed up. he’s tearfull now. like all the time. poor lil guy. rosario runs to the kitchen to get him a baggie of ice. only the baggie’s damn near bigger than his head. smooth move. they share a goodbye, then he’s down the stairs with his daddie. he empties out the baggie of ice and lets it fly down the stairs, obviously also realizing what a dumb shit rosario is. whiteydad mumbles about directions and shit. ed tells his dad that rosario didn’t turn him in. and he’s like ‘duh.’
and back to that same damned bridge. fuck! it’ll henceforth be known as the Bridge of Mopeage, as there sits frank, brooding. and perv teach walks by with doggie doyle as some girl jogs by and is all ‘cool dog’ and he looks at her like omg! someone might do me cuz of my supercool dog(that i didn’t want)! and answers ‘cool dog’ montage of all the people ed told to fuck off in his fuck the world speech and a lil boy in a bus waves at him and spells his name in the fog and ed spells his back. awww…whiteydad offers to drive ed away from the prison. also, why the fuck would he be going to jail with his dad? and not like, with the cops or something? seriously? god…
whiteydad is all, we should just drive and drive and never come back. cuz people get caught when they come back. and ed is like…dar. and as whiteydad montages about driving out west and never coming back the background changes from the city to the fields and highways of the west. and the dad talks about the wonders of the West: Where Convicts Can Run From the Law as we see a patched up ed. then as he’s blahdee blah blahing about the desert and its glories ed drives and it switches from ed and whitey dad back and forth. and i’m thinking: if the cops figured out that ed’s fucking dad was supposed to drive him to jail and disappeared with him, wouldn’t there be some kind of notice, alert or something out on his dad’s license plate number or something? i mean, dude. god damn. and so eventually they’re in some small kingdom and whiteydad is all ‘i’ll tell you don’t ever write me, don’t ever visit and i know i’ll see you in heaven but not in this lifetime’ and drives off leaving ed alone in the street. in some podunk town with just one lil bag and a jacket.
whiteydad still voiceovers as ed sees a help wanted sign in a bar. emphasizing that he ‘never come back’ you got that NEVER COME BACK lest that be what catches him. and ed goes off and gets him official lookin’ documents. and a happiful driver license and changes his name from monty to james. and his dad continues voicing over that he can NEVER COME BACK. but maybe after a couple of years he should send word to rosario. cue greyhound station shot of rosario reuniting with ed. awww…like the cops wouldn’t keep tabs on her skanky ass? whatevers.
cue shot of ed & preggers rosario at new years. and all of a sudden there’s old ed & rosario with a SHIT LOAD of kids and they’re all way darker then rosario is. and as whiteydad is still voiceovering old ass ed is telling the family about his shady past.
then we’re back in the car with beat up fugly ed and his dad driving. wtf? he didn’t get away? he didn’t go to the west?
WHAT THE FUCK? WTF JUST HAPPEND?
credits roll and this pineapple is hella pissed. gah.
