grief.
i hate how it wraps itself around me like fingers choking the life right out, slowly, suffocatingly, overwhelmingly.
i hate how i don’t know how i’m going to survive january alone. i barely survived it when i had someone, and now i don’t.
losing the rockstar doesn’t even register a blip on the radar when i see something she would’ve liked, remember something she would have said, have something i would ask her about. i can look at her picture and not burst into tears, suprisingly, but that took a while. and all of a sudden, out of nowhere something will hit me and i won’t be able to control it. at all.
and i hate the tears for coming, for being a tangible part of this feeling i try to keep inside, buried deep. i hate the weakness because ultimately it’s me remembering.
and i hate it.
it’s not as sharp as it was the first year…but it almost hurts more knowing that the years are plural now…years. the concept of it being years makes me ache in ways i never knew possible before. i used to think the fact that there were days without her…just one day…that idea was unbelieveably horrible.
i used to choke myself on the fear of having to endure a single hour without her.
and now…
years.
i hate this.
