yay!
i’m up at an ungodly hour…for reasons OTHER than the fact that i can’t sleep for shit. thank christ for alcohol otherwise i wouldn’t have gotten anything remotely resembling sleep at all. blegh. but it doesn’t matter because i’m going to make $$$ today! w00t! i just gotta finish gettin’ ready and get my ass downtown.
in other news, the field was fun last night. got lots of special pictures, got lots of special drinks. mmmmmmmbeer… oh yeah, and the customary jaeger shots. nothing like motor oil and blood to get your juices flowin’! w00t!!!!
met some new folks, er something…hung around with the old folks…good times had by all. and of course, OF COURSE talked to the motherfuckin’ rockstar…who was allt eh fucking way in downtown bostom at the mother fuckin’ rock bottom brewery! yeah so he can totally go out and get plastered and so can i, but then he’s all… ‘well i’m leaving now, so i can’t even say hi to you right now…and i’ll be on my way home before you even get here.’
my respone: fuck. that.
(thank you, midget)
fuck. that.
but he did manage to tell me to make sure and not go home with anyone male, even if it’s just to crash for the night because i don’t to go and do something stupid and ‘jeopardize what we have’ before we sit down together and ‘hash things out’. almost made me want to grab the nearest dude and be like ‘hey, wanna go fuck?’ only like, not. because he’s all we’ll get together on sunday…and then i got pissed and was like ‘wtf?’ cuz CLEARLY he has time for shit…when he’s all ‘oh i’m studying’ but then ends up at the rock bottom…uh yeah. fuck. that.
and after the antics of LAST SATURDAY i was especially thinking ‘fuck that’. and told him so. and he claims it’s not going to be like last saturday. fucker. he was all ‘we’ll get together sometime next week’. next fucking week? next fucking week my figurative left nut! like i’m going to sit around and deal with his ambiguous declarations of christ only knows what and these under-the-breath comments about ‘us’ and blah blah blah and fuck me sideways if this isn’t tearing me to little squishy bits. i mean a girl can only handle so much, ya know?
and i’m trying…i’m really fucking trying but i can not hold it down for much longer. yeah there’s only a couple of more months of ’03 left, but jesus christ bananas if it isn’t going to eat me alive. f’real.
these are the HARDEST months of the year and if i actually stop moving, stop thinking, stop postponing dealing with them…i’ll fucking lose it. just. fucking. lose. it. i haven’t had to deal with any of this shit alone before. i’m not sure i know how to do it. i mean…if i think about mona, ray, grandpa…*cries* oh fuck…and i cannot…CANNOT think about…
fuck this…i gotta get my ass downtown now.
fuck.
*sniffs*
i miss my pineapple :(