*ahem*
yep indeedy i did. i couldn’t deal, packed my bags and got the hell out of dodge, yo. in fact, i only just got home today, ya know. mere hours ago. in some ways, i can hardly believe i up and fuckin’ got the hell out of here.
not one of my brightest or more thought-out decisions, but it all started wednesday morning…
so basically i got up and got ready for my nifty lil jobby job and such, normal day, right? right. but when i got on the subway there were folks with their suitcases and whatnot no doubt heading out to various commuter rails, family homes and planes to go home for the holildays.
meh.
and THEN i get to work and it’s a chorus of ‘happy thanksgiving!’ all fucking day. and i do NOT need to hear that, yo! i just…don’t. ok? right. i mean i am stoked that i’m getting out of work at a halfway decent hour and all that and have a prospect of daylight to frolick in, maybe. but damn. all those shiny happy people really made me nauseous and whatnot. then the other chicks in the office all cut out at 3 p.m. and there was a shitload of work to do and one of the managers goes ‘you don’t have to be anywhere, do you?’ and while a part of me wanted to be simmering in indignant rage, it hit me: i don’t have anywhere to be.
i have come down with a mean case of the kind of lonely that swallows you hole. and thus, was a very miserable pineapple all day on wednesday. of course, i finished up all the work and whatnot with 5 minutes to spare (before 5 p.m.) and get the hell out of there, right into the middle of downtown crossing, where EVERYONE and their moms is holiday shopping at macy’s and filene’s and whatnot. grrrrreeeaatttt…NOT! *growl* out of a need to not be a pile of wallowing misery i wandered into barnes and noble searching for one of the few things in life that i can lose myself in and be happy with: books.
my ipod battery wasn’t charged that day, so i needed something to occupy my mind, ya know. i picked up the new anne rice book; which i have to say, is quite good. and a godiva chocolate bar….mmmmmm. word. then i hit up bath & body shop on the way to the T and got some of the wonderful christmastime-only vannila lotion that they have. yum. yes, i was wallowing and spent money i probably shouldn’t have. fast forward past me doing essentially nothing at job #2 and heading to good ol’ gay.com. i couldn’t even be bothered to really do the standard banter thing with the munchkin cuz you know…i wasn’t feelin’ it. even moses was shocked when i declined the standard pbr when i sat down and requested scotch straight up. yep…it was one of those days. and honestly, i couldn’t be bothered with the little teasing bantering whatnot with the munchkin cuz i was waiting for norah anyway, ya know. i read my book and drank my beers (after downing the scotch) and kept to myself. some random dude bought me a drink, and another random dude was all trying to talk spanish at me and whatnot. thank christ for norah, i was stoked when she showed up. and so we drank our beers and ended up going with JB and some other fool to the middle east for another beer and then to the liquor store where i procured a mighty bottle of jack for my thanksgiving feast. w00t! then, though JB was so trying to get us to go with him norah was like ‘nope’ and i was like ‘not a chance in hell’ and she drove me back. the plan was to meet up the next day (turkey day) and have pizza and whatnot.
of course, when i stumbled into my apartment at 1 a.m. i was tired, drunk and so suffocatingly lonely i couldn’t freaking take it. day before thanksgiving last year i was curled up next to the rockstar, with preparations for our holiday feast set up in the kitchen, a turkey brining in the fridge drifting off to sleep happily. this year: not at all remotely like that. not. at. all. and of COURSE i couldn’t deal and am totally freaking losing it when my moms calls. ‘come home,’ she says. and she’s just feeding this ‘i don’t want to be alone’ fire i’ve got burning inside and so what do i do? get online and drop almost $500 for a fucking ticket to colorado. yep, my flight was set to leave at 8:30 a.m. on turkey day. jesus fucking christ bananas.
so i stay up all night, throw some stuff into my suitcase, get my shit in gear and get the hell outta here. of course i’m a giant weepy mess for most of the morning, and luckily lose consciousness on the utterly ridiculous boston-newark flight i got stuck on. i just kinda went along the day in this state of numb suprise. i was actually going home, yo. wtf. yeah, we’ll go with the whole ‘pineapple is in shock’ thang there. cuz i so was.
and so my plane lands at DIA around 2 p.m. colorado time and i have the presence of mind to ring norah and let her know that my sorry ass is across the motherfuckin’ country. yep yep. i felt bad for not being there, but by 4 p.m. boston time i can pretty much guarantee you that this girl would not have been remotely close to sober. then i rang the munchkin to say happy tday and waited for my moms and nick.
he’s so biiiiig!!! omg my baby brother isn’t a baby anymore! *sniff* he’s all growed up! *squeal* ok, i’m better, really… :p
oh! and so of course i didn’t eat all wednesday and i didn’t eat any airplane food (like, ew!) and whatnot and nick is hungry so mom has me drive to taco bell which — suprise suprise! — is closed for thanksgiving! ha ha! not. so we go to albertsons and spend way too much time in there finally coming out with snackers for myself and nick and my moms insists i sit in the back with him to eat while she drives. *growl* and then just as we’re heading out of denver, my phone rings.
and who is it but none other than the rockstar.
“hey, i was thinking we could get some drinks tonight, and finally talk.”
*dies*
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
happy motherfucking thanksgiving yo! jesus h. christ bananas! what the fuck!? of all the fucked up timing in the world. and of course he’s all upset and thinks the timing sucks and also kinda thinks it’s funny and fucked up and i’m trying not to cry and my moms is giving me the stare of death and THEN he thinks it’d be amusing to tell me that ol’ one-nip the WHORE called him up tryin’ to get a booty call out of him. ‘what? it’s funny! i hung up on her!’ he says. ha fucking ha, notice my fits of laughter, yo. NOT! so naturally i was upset, and the fucked up part is that for about 1/2 an hour i was seriously bummed about coming home to colorado and honestly wanted to tell my moms to turn the car around and plunk me on a plane right back to boston. yeah i know, i’m fucked the fuck up. yeah, and then i got mad cuz like, he could’ve fuckin’ called me wednesday, ya know! damn it! damn damn damn damn it!
*sigh*
after that, i made it home and whatnot. ended up reading harry potter books with the lil brother. heh. yeah there definitely IS something wrong with me. friday was our turkey day and my uncles came over. ruben gave me this sweet-ass mustang t-shirt. hott, yo! and whatnot. and i ran into the heathen in wal-mart. (side note: i went to wal-mart, yo!!!!!) and we did the driving thing and i visited my grama b. we did the food thing friday night and alfred stayed until almost midnight or so. it was good, it was fun, i had normal people food (chili, tamales and tortillas, dude! i forgot what those were like! w00t!) and saw my relatives and had a nice time. but of course…OF COURSE…i missed the fuck outta the rockstar. because i couldn’t help but think about what last thanksgiving was like. last year he said it was the start of our tradition, we’d always have thanksgiving together forever and ever…we’d always spend it together…
we’d…
fuck.
saturday i went to see robbie. he looked utterly ridiculous. christ knows when the last time he cut his hair is, and he hadn’t shaved, and he was all covered in dust and whatnot from working in the garage, but i love him to pieces. i REALLY needed that, seeing robbie was the best ever. and i got to see annie’s wedding album and charlie and fran! w00t! it was awesome. i missed them all so fucking much. and robbie, words don’t exist to describe how much i love that retarded boy to pieces. he’s fucking awesome. and of course we’re complete dorks when we’re together. we were throwin’ rocks at the rusted-out shitbox and chasing chickens and he was doin’ this ‘smooth face/wrinkly face’ thing with his dogs that was hilarious. yeah, we’re dorks. but i love him. to little squishy bits, yo. :) of course there’s still the part of me that gets this ache when i realize that robbie and jen are still together — of course he’s probably gonna marry her (but years and years down the road, because we both have the ‘deer in headlights’ reaction to marriage); also, cole & his girlfriend thing are still together. and they ARE seriously discussing marriage. don’t get me wrong, i don’t want to be thinkin’ about gettin’ hitched or nothin’, but damnit. why are their relationships fine and everyone so fucking happy and mine fell to pieces and broke me?
of course robbie says that the rockstar is a little bitch and he made a huge mistake and that i’m better off without him and can do so much better. *sniff* i love my robbie. even with his stupid haircut (or lack thereof). i love him. thank christ i’ll see him again in about a month or so for christmas. i fucking hate the holidays still, but friends make it better.
i took nick to church, said bye to ruben and juan and went to uptown to pick up a movie for my daddy. i also ended up getting the new outkast cd set. w00t! of course i ran into chris cordova — who i haven’t seen in years — and he asked about the rockstar. ‘are y’all still together?’ *gulp* in my defense, i ddn’t cry until chris was long gone and i was safely sitting behind the wheel of my car, where no one but nick could see me. fuck! i’m not fucking strong enough for this, yo! i’m not!
and then we got food and i talked to my coca and while my moms is all ‘die rockstar die!’ and all but forbidding me(yeah right…) from having any contact with him, coca understands. coca has been there, and she was hella helpful to talk to. of course, i still doubt that boy wants anything to do with me, despite what he says. i just know that i ache for him every damned day, and precious little exists in the world to make me forget that.
coca and ralph came over. they’re all adorable and happily married and all that. *sigh* yes, i’m a bitter little bitch. bitter bitter bitter.
and then, my little trip to colorado was over all too soon, i tossed my shit back in my suitcase and headed out with mom, nick and mom’s friend (so she wouldn’t be driving back alone) at about 2 a.m. and arrived at DIA around 5somethin’ and got checked in for my 7 a.m. flight only to find myself crammed onto a continental EXPRESS flight. so. fucking. small. i hate flying. hate hate hate.
denver to cleveland, wait about 20 minutes, pile onto another fucking express flight to boston. and once we started nearing the airport again, once i could see all of boston and whatnot out the windows i started losing it again. is colorado home? is boston? oh hello, suffocating loneliness, how are you? oh me? i’m fine, thanks…yep, right around the throat, yeah that’s it. ok, now squeeze! fabulous.
thank christ the transportation gods were on my side, my bag was waiting as soon as i got to baggage claim, the subway shuttle was right outside when i exited the airport, and when i switched off the blue line a green b-train was waiting for me. score!
but then i got to an incredibly empty and lonely apartment and all i could think of was the rockstar, and how fucking much i miss him, and how no where feels like home if he’s not there.
*cries*
aren’t i just a bucket of pathetic?
yes.
in other news, the world’s greatest midget had a birthday on friday. :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIDGET, I LOVES YA!
peace,
me.
