meh.
so it’s snowing again. and windy. and slushy. and i’m bound to freeze my ass off tomorrow. yay! only like, not. i thought we were going to get away witha 1/2-way decent winter around here but alas, no such luck. meteorologists predict temperatures around 20° at the highest for the rest of the week.
isn’t that fucktacular?
*growl*
i have precious little to blog about these days. i’m not busy, i’m not overwhelmed, i’m not a whole hell of a lot of anything these days. i don’t even have that suffocating sense of numbness that swallows me up every once in a while. i’m just…there.
every day draws closer and closer to the worst day ever. losing the rockstar a million times over could never hurt like that day did. closer and closer…it hovers on the calendar, mocking me, threatening me, destroying me.
and i can’t avoid it.
so i just exist. there’s little else i can do. i mean, what the hell do i expect to accomplish? and as much as i’d love to be blind drunk and in an alcohol-induced coma and just mask the pain, i know i can’t. not on that day. i just…can’t.
it’d be sacreligious, it’d be wrong…so wrong.
i can’t do that to her.
i’ve become something that i don’t even recognize anymore, but no matter how far i’ve gone from the girl i used to be (the girl who used to have somebody who loved her), i just can’t be that disrespectful to the memory of the only person in the entire world that i ever loved more than anything in the universe…the only person who’d love me no matter how stupid i am, no matter how many times i fuck up, no matter what…
i can’t be a stinking drunk on that day.
but god help me, i don’t know how i’ll get through it.
::sigh::
fucked up as it is, i am getting used to the crying. i hate it more than anything in the world, i hate the feeling of being completely out of control and not being able to hold in all the fucked up things that eat me up inside, i hate letting my emotions have free reign…but the crying that’s going to come…
i can’t deal with that.
