FUCK!!!!
i can’t fucking take this anymore…i’m at my wit’s fucking end!!! like you wouldn’t believe. i just…i mean jesus h. fucking christ bananas i lasted damn near 4 days…so. fucking. close.
almost! almost! but noooooo,i just had to unblock his ass. i just had to go and get all wrapped up in the special drama that is the rockstar and lose it all over again. so yeah, the ass did notice that i wasn’t online, kinda. but it didn’t even bug him in the slightest, only served to further reinforce his firm assertion that i am mean.
because that really is exactly what it is. i’m just one GIANT FUCKING BITCH, didn’t you know that? MASSIVE BITCH! that’s me…just so fucking mean. because it hurts so fucking much to talk to him and not really talk to him, to not really have things be the same with the only boy i’ve ever fucking cared about ever that i decide maybe i should do something so that it hurts less, but noooooooooo that makes me MEAN!
rockstar (11:00:35 PM): sup
rockstar (11:00:48 PM): i went to dinner with jetta tonigt
rockstar (11:00:51 PM): it was fun
pineapple (11:01:01 PM): ok
rockstar (11:01:10 PM): what is witht he additute
pineapple (11:01:37 PM): i don’t have an attitude
rockstar (11:02:01 PM): i just wanted to say hi
rockstar (11:02:07 PM): and ask bout your day
pineapple (11:02:22 PM): glad you had fun with jetta
rockstar (11:02:48 PM): so you are still doing this no [rockstar] thing
pineapple (11:03:01 PM): dude i’ve been doing the no [rockstar] thing for like 6 months now
rockstar (11:03:18 PM): i mean you are not going to talk to me anymore
pineapple (11:03:37 PM): i don’t know if i should
rockstar (11:03:54 PM): i just wanted to start getting loing with you agein
rockstar (11:04:00 PM): i gues what was to much to ask
pineapple (11:04:03 PM): no
rockstar (11:04:08 PM): i should go do some homework
rockstar (11:04:08 PM): bye
pineapple (11:04:13 PM): don’t be like that
“rockstar” signed off at 11:04:14 PM.
and that’s just one thing…there was a HELL of a lot more later…but my fucking computer crashed. all i have to say is FUCK A MONDAY, yo.
and you have no fucking idea how much i am seething in anger over the fact that he went out with one of my god damned friends. ::growl:: all those times he’d make me feel bad for hanging out with her, all those times he’d complain when it would be the three of us cuz he wanted time alone, all those times he’d totally write her off and be like ‘i have no friends,’ or make me feel guilty for spending time with one of my own god damned friends and now HE’S going out to dinner with her?!?!?!?!?! what the flying charbroiled fuck? he’s like too fucking busy to even talk to me sometimes but he can go crash at random dude’s apartment and skip all of his So Important classes because he’s drunk (but *i* drink too much???) and he can go out to dinner with MY fucking friend but …fuck that! (tm midget)
::growl::
FUCK!
i don’t fucking know what to do anymore.
i keep trying to think of something to make it better but not a god damned thing is. every fucking time i talk to that boy all i want is a drink, or something, anything to numb the pain and make it all go away. i don’t want to feel anything anymore…anything at all…because it’s fucking eating me up inside.
i hate being like this.
i hate missing him and remembering him and having to be without him while he sits there living his life perfectly 100% hunky dory without me. he’s fine. it’s just…it hurts, damnit. he doesn’t want me, but he doesn’t want me to be with anyone else, and he’s all fine living his life happily but i’m miserable. fuck that, indeed.
so yeah, every fucking time, even when we don’t ‘argue’ or when i’m not being so fucking mean, i cry. i hate crying. it makes me want to take a rusty, dull fork and gouge out my eyeballs just so i don’t ever do it again. it makes me want to get so blind drunk i don’t notice the tears.
i hate this.
i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate this.
so. fucking. much.
apparently in all my emails where i try explaining it to him i’m just ‘saying the same shit’ over and over again. and i told him to just delete them and forget i fucking exist but he won’t do that either. and he keeps saying the same thing to me…or something.
i don’t fucking know.
fuck. fucking fuck!
i can’t deal with this.
it’s time for a shot, yo. or a screwdriver.
