i hate how i get sometimes where i’ll function through 90% of the day and then be like ‘what do you mean it’s not tuesday?’ or ‘today’s friday, isn’t it?’ and of course, it’s always worse when i’m sitting there on say, a thursday, thinking it’s friday and then realizing that no, it’s not. it’s still thursday.
today was like that, i thought it was thursday. and that friday is tomorrow. and that all these plans i have for frolicking with The Boys (as i have decided to refer to them) friday night only gave me a day to get some shit in order and all that. so i panicked, on the one hand i was thinking ‘yay! payday and whatnot!’ but on the other hand i realized how incredibly swamped it made me. not good.
i finally realized that it’s wednesday.
::whew::
in other news, i’m starting to get *seriously* paranoid about the whole school thing. i plotted out my fall & spring semester courses yesterday whilst covering the phones at job #1 and talked science with heather at her place last night for dinner. in a perfect world — one where i’m not dumb as a sack of bricks — i’d be taking math, chem, bio & physics my fall semester. but uh, that will DEVOUR ME! so i’m not. i’ll toss in a core requirement with everything and hope to god that i survive.
::crosses fingers::
this is my last chance, basically. if i fuck this up. i’m fucked. seriously. i have to put everything i have and everything i am into making this work. or i’m fucked. there’s no pussyfooting around it this time (no i didn’t just use that word for the sake of saying pussy, i just couldn’t think of any other word that would more accurately portray what i’m trying to say), it’s do or die. and i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t scared shitless that i’m going to fuck it up beyond imagining. i mean, what if i give it my best and that’s just not freaking good enough, ya know? because seriously. i’ll *try* and it just won’t work.
not to get all maudlin, whiney, depressive bitch (i’m so *good* at it, though…) but i put my all into school, devoted as much time and effort and whatnot into it, and sas! fucked that up. and i put EVERYTHING conceivable into my relationship with the rockstar: time, effort, love, money, energy, trust, etc… and what happened? it all came crumbling down around my feet. and i couldn’t stop it. i couldn’t stop any of it. so yeah, i’m pretty much freaking terrified every day that no matter how hard i try i’m going to fuck everything up.
and that kind of fear is incredibly crippling.
