i cleaned my apartment last night, did an assload of laundry, dusted the living room, took out the trash and the recyc, mopped the kitchen and cleaned the grime out from underneath the stove.
and then, on to my room.
i went through old documents and papers. bank statements, receipts and an unholy amount of movie ticket stubs. i have these little neuroses that mandate i always get three napkins when i go to someplace like wendy’s or mickey d’s or wherever, i always place my right hand palm-down next to the door before entering an airplane for no less than 5 seconds, i always dribble the ball 10 times before shooting freethrows (or some other multiple of 5 if it gets skewed), and i save my movie (and other) ticket stubs.
some of them are pleasant memories. shrek 2 with jetta and tony. the village with scooter. kill bill vol 2 with princess and aragorn. hell, even catwoman with aragorn has a happy memory (despite how putrid that movie was). then i found other stubs: insomnia, the matrix (the 2nd one), mr. deeds, school of rock (the first time i saw it), and…unfortunately, the power puff girls movie. these are movies i saw with the ex.
then i found a random card in with all my bank statements and assorted papers. a ‘just because’ card. cheesy and totally something an aunt or older friend would send along. it was from him. ‘just because i love you’ it said…’with all of my hart and sole’ in his trademark near-illegible script. i almost lost it. almost. that coupled with finding movie stubs from a time in my life when i couldn’t have been more in love if i tried…no es bueno. especially that damned power puff movie stub…for reasons i won’t get into now.
and i was ok, for the most part. then i rifled through the bag of things i retrieved from the Great Stuff Exchange in june. and i found what is undoubtedly my most valuable possesion on earth:
my gram’s address book.
the last bit i have of her…handwriting that is just so…hers.
i looked through it, poured over every page of friends and family she saw fit to make note of. little scraps of paper and business cards that if i hold them i can almost feel her…
i lost it.
just. fucking. lost it.
i miss her.
losing the rockstar was painful, and sometimes still hurts. but this…nothing will ever hurt as much as losing my gram.
ever.
