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You Know You Drink Too Much When… |
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Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof? You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Hotties. You have a “happy hour” at home When you are sober, people ask you what’s wrong? You spend all night making a board game called Alcohol Land Although you drove home the other night you can’t remember how you got home or where you parked your car “Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.” Your favorite drink is ethanol. “Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! – I don’t have a prinking droblem!” “I don’t have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. *hic* Pash me another, tarbender.” You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse. You instinctively know where the alcohol is in a store you’ve never been in before Clubs raise their drink prices because you haven’t attended in a while You think beer and ramen make a good breakfast You frequently urinate outdoors. When you first wake up and you’re afraid you’re gonna die and a half-hour later you’re afraid you won’t. You fall asleep taking a dump. You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse. You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you. You find it’s easier to study drunk. You’re on a first name basis at the detoxification center. Beer ads make sense. You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you’re so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching. You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room. The space on your driver’s license that tells your eye color reads “bloodshot”. You fall down a flight of steps and DON’T spill a drop of your beer. You mix your cocktails by the litre. You grow a beard because it stops beer that’s running down your chin. You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic Zen-like piss. When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5. You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth Your career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not! Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem! “Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar. You can focus better with one eye closed The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar You fall off the floor. You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore. The glass keeps missing your mouth. At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…” Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm. Every night you’re beginning to find your roomate’s cat more and more attractive. If you’re on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories. “Take me drunk, I’m home!” You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot. You drink to get over a hangover. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who drink too much. |
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