adding another thing to the giant towering list of reasons “Why I Love Job #2”, is gummi bears. suspiciously deliciously squishy bears in gummi format. bear-like in shape, gummi in texture, red in color specificially**. ooh ho ho…how i love the red gummis. they are teh awesomest of colors, the most tastiest of all gummi flavors (with green and yellow being the pukiest…no clear test data on the “clearish yellow white” gummi yet). red is the bestest color, well red or blue (if we’re talkin’ sour patch gummi worms here…) always red or blue. they are the yummiest gummiest colors.
and job #2 is only fueling my gummi obsession. i can’t remember the last time i had previously eaten a gummi bear. (and of course by “eaten” i mean: “mutilated, disfigured, beheaded, mutated and then consumed in a violently gleeful fashion”) it had been years, i think. i mean, i never go out to the store thinking to myself, ‘hey, i should pick up a big fat sack of gummi bears. yeah, rock on!’ no…never. mainly because i specifically do not like the non-red flavors. i’ll give in and eat orange gummis if nothing else is around…but it is not as good. orange is a poor, poor substitute for red. very poor indeed. the red gummi is coveted and loved and ripped to little gummi pieces before being devoured. buying them myself means i’m stuck with all these inferior flavors that i want nothing to do with. and throwing them away seems wasteful — microwaving them into gummi explosions, however, is not wasteful.
(note: do not do this on real plates, paper only. molten gummi is a bastard to try and clean off)
and now job #2 has a giant Costco sized jar of gummi bears, all quietly waiting in their gummi pile, totally unsuspecting when i waltz into the office, unscrew the lid and scrounge for the red. because it doesn’t matter if i eat all the red here, because everyone else likes a different color. so i can pilage and rape and destroy and mutilate and ethnically cleanse and sequester and DEVOUR ALL THE RED TO MY HEART’S CONTENT BECAUSE THEY ARE MINE!!!! MINE!!!!!!!!!! MINE ALL MINEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF YOUR READ ARE BELONG TO US!!!! (and of course, by us…i mean me)
er…um…what i meant to say is “the dilemna of what to do with extra gummi colors is avoided at work and i have all the red i could ever want. followed by something completely appropriate.”
::ahem::
of course, it only gets better from there. every day, a whole slew of gummis awaits me. i can bite off their heads, i can bite off their little gummi bodies. i can merge two heads, or two bodies, or make a two-headed gummi. or a gummi with five asses!!!! or i can make a little pile of desecrated gummi heads. or siamese gummis! or three-headed gummi monsters of doom! AND THEN I CAN EAT THEM ALL SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH!!!!
i mean, the possibilities are freaking endless here, man. think of it! think of what you could do with an endless supply of gummi bears…
the only thing saving me from mainlining the little fuckers is that the gummi bins don’t come in red-only…because, man…if they did. MY KINGDOM FOR A SACK OF NOTHING BUT RED GUMMI BEARS!!!!! oh main, maybe not…cuz boy, would i be fucked. gummi fucked.
no, wait…on second thought: ew!
** while red is the best flavor ever, Swedish Fish are the most vile disgusting candy ever, and i hate them. they should be pooed on. or you know, not given to me…ever. this addendum also includes: Twizzlers, red hots, licorice (red or black), and any other licorice or cinnamin-flavored crap that also happens to be red, yet tastes vomitous.
