i have one more full day on the east coast…just one more day…just one…
then it’s cramped in a plane for an ungodly amount of time. layovers and headaches and turbulence. then it’s endless highway and even more endless emptiness. bare plains and dusty old streets. the smell of the feedlot, the empty skeleton of the railroad. the quiet.
i have that sinking “i’m-about-to-be-swallowed-whole” feeling that always preceedes a trip back to the midwest. only this time it started around early november and has increased rapidly with each passing day.
one last full day, and then i’m gone.
one last full day, and then i’m counting the minutes until i return.
who’d have ever thought i’d be reluctant to leave boston?
i can’t explain it quite right, either. i mean, colorado is not my home. it hasn’t felt like it in years. in fact, it never really did. for as long as i can remember, i’ve always been itching to get out, get away, leave and never look back. it’s stifling there. it’s depressing and underwhelming. barren.
but here? here…i’m not comfortable here either. i keep trying to settle in, maintain some balance and just get a handle on things, get a handle on myself. but i always have that creeping feeling that i don’t belong. that the other shoe is going to drop and one of these days i’m just not going to be able to keep things under control. on one hand everything has been steadily falling apart since the day i moved out here…on the other hand, i still have a small bit of hope leftover that i might someday figure it all out.
just maybe.
or maybe not.
but the bottom line is…right now, i don’t want to go.
