last night…
scooter demanded we go on a trek to newbury comics in search of r. kelly’s trapped in the closet dvd — seeing as how the somerville k-mart failed us miserably the night before. thus, dvd acquired & gallon of rum secured, we went home to watch it. now, i have to give the boy some points, he managed to watch at least five minutes of it; but even that was too much to handle. hell, i barely made it through the whole thing and that included many pauses to laugh my ass off, or try to breathe again, or drink!
of course, as a fair warning to the public, there are a number of things one must consider before embarking upon such a possibly spleen-bursting endeavor as watching any or all chapters of TITC. you know, just to make sure whether or not you think you can handle it. because if you cant, it could be all sorts of tragical.
number one, r. kelly is batshit crazy. i have always thought this…his new album/dvd/insanity combo just fucking proves my theory. number two, r. kelly is clearly using this whole ‘child pornography’ trial hullabaloo to throw people off the fact that he is — beyond a shadow of a doubt — 100% completely & totally buttfuckingly gay. for example, his last album is called the chocolate factory. he voluntarily wears a zorro like mask, for fuck knows what reason. he’s into watersports (yeah, you don’t have to be gay to be into that…but he’s a little too into them). his new album is trapped in the closet. and, if you watch the dvd — you poor, brave soul — r. kelly does not get nekkid with the ladies; in fact, he has an extended “boning” scene with a completely bare-ass nekkid chick where he doesn’t so much as take off his shoes or un-zip his fly. it is both freakish & disturbing (although i will take a moment to thank the Jeez that r. kelly did not disrobe at all during the dvd. thank christ!). number three, kells does all the “voices” of the “characters” in his “masterpiece” — including the women, and the midget (yes, there is a midget). number four, r. kelly has a midget crapping it’s pants in the dvd. number five, r. kelly is clearly a complete psychopath.
now…just to give you a taste of the sheer insanity that is r. kelly, take a gander at these finely crafted lyrics:
The next thing ya know, she starts goin real wild
And starts screamin my name
Then I said baby, we must slow down
Before I bust a vessel in my brain
And she said please no dont stop
And I said I caught a cramp
And she said please keep on goin
I said my leg is about to crack
Then she cries out
Oh my goodness, I’m about to climax
And I said cool
Climax
Just let go of my leg
She says you’re the perfect lover
I said I cant go no futherThen I flip back the cover
Oh my God, a rubber…
it’s a wonder i made it through the whole thing alive! behold the healing powers of bicardi, as it replenished my strength to go on living after seeing this debacle.
