with the way it seems everything is imploding on itself around me i haven’t been quite coherent lately. randomly passing out here & there, then insomnia leading to sleep madness…it hasn’t been pretty. i almost feel like it’s too much to handle at this point, but then again…i shouldn’t bitch. it’s not fair, but it’d be selfish. i’m already selfish enough as it is, i don’t think i can really afford anymore. and, since we’re only going on breakdown #537,842 i’m sure there are a few more looming on the horizon as well. here’s hoping i can manage to hold it together. and i don’t know what the entire problem is, except it’s like all of my thoughts are on a really static-y radio frequency with constant interferrence. or even worse, white noise. everything is getting washed out with a dull buzz and i almost want to just let it be…almost. laziness & fear, or something. probably laziness. but for the things that are really wrong, the things that are truly bothering me, worrying me, frightening me…i can’t quite bring myself to think about yet. because thinking about it gives credence, makes it real. dear god don’t let it be real… because i’m a pussy. because i don’t want to do this. because i don’t want this to happen. because i hate being helpless to do anything to make it better. because i can’t change it. because i want him to be ok. because i’m still a stupid little girl and i need him to be ok. because i feel like shit for crying over it (because i hate crying). because i’m weak and helpless when i need to be strong and supportive. and i’m just so god damned scared. and i’m supposed to just sit tight and go through my daily routine like i’ve always done. i’m supposed to go on living my life. for myself, for him, for everything. but really i just want to curl up in a ball and wish it all away. and i know i can’t, but i’m afraid i won’t be the person i’m supposed to be. i won’t be strong enough for my daddy, or my brother…or myself. i try to be, i pretend to try to be…but mine is the face of failure more often than not. (isn’t that the most self-indulgent, whiny bullshit ever?) and i really don’t i just don’t know how to handle it all. the ever-present catholic guilt makes me feel bad for having fun still, for being able to smile still when i should be doing something — anything — productive, helpful…something. and i’m lucky, really. i’m so god damned lucky. because i got the most of my daddy out of anybody. i still do. and because everything else in my life is “okay” for right now. i’m not a grown up yet, but i’m getting my shit in order, and that’s a big deal. i think? and because i have the best people around me, and they don’t hold it against me when i fall apart. even if they’re a few states away, or right next to me when it happens. and the special ones know, or i hope they know, i would be such a wreck without them. because i appreciate it, all of it, so very much. and i love you for always putting up with crazy 3 am text messages or sleep madness incoherency. i love that you have it too…and some day i’ll drag you up here. and then there’s just being here when i don’t know what i want or what i need or my right from my left; being here with the perfect silence where i don’t have to say anything. and for being willing to stay, even when i can’t figure it out for myself. and for being the best destraction and the funnest when we’re doing absolutely nothing at all, and just being the best boy. because i wouldn’t give that up or change it for the world…off the top of my head, you’re both the best. and i hope you both know it…because i never tend to get it out quite right. i always muck up something in the translation.
mine :
