so i voted today, and that was a bad idea. i’m reminded why i hate the government, why i hate voting, why i hate jackson mann & why i hate people. even the fact that i now own season 2.5 of battlestar galactica is not enough to squelch the simmering rage that the primaries have ignited inside of me. maybe with a fifth of liquor i’d feel better, but right now: HULK SMASH!
clearly i repressed how much i hate the jackson mann voting setup in the two years since the presidential “election”. it would do me well to remember in the future. so what if i want to contribute — in whatever small way — and pretend that this dicatorship-in-training-wheels trying to pass itself off as a democracy run by a megalomaniacal, retarded douchebag really isn’t all that bad. my mistake.
anyway, i get to jackson mann and despite the fact that i live within’ pissing distance of that miserable place, they wanna give me shit about my address and my oh-so-complicated name. right now, they’re right up there with city hall & the imaginary honda in their retardism.
there are about 6 tables with ward #s and precinct #s setup and no line whatsoever. just a few drooling feebs standing around poking through a table of dessicated-looking donuts. i wasn’t previously aware that donuts could look that gross, but apparently they can. who knew? anyway, at the first table i give the ComicBookGuyClone who’s running it my information and he directs me to another table run by two haggard old crones, who then direct me to yet another table. fabulous. this table is run by a creepy lady with bottle red hair & way too much lipstick, and it’s entirely possible she used to be a man, but i’d rather not know. this is where the fun starts, boys and girls.
CreepyLady: name please?
me: {my name}
CL what?
me: that’s {first name} {last name} [now i start spelling my last name]
(most people can’t seem to wrap their brains around my last name for whatthefuckever reason, so i’ve gotten into the habit of spelling it for them, especially at work when i’m on the phone with people. apparently it’s “complicated’)
[i’m on the third letter, approximately when the creeply lady stops me]
CL: no, no, i just need your name in english.
me: excuse me?
CL: just your english name.
me: [glare of death] {last name} with a B.
CL: hmmm, you’re at the wrong table, you need table #1 [directs me to table way across the room]
me: i hope you choke on your own dick
CL: what?
me: nothin’
apparently my last name is now in an entirely different language or something. and/or i fucking hate everyone who works at the jackson mann polling station. by the time i get to table #1 i’m trying to refrain from chucking my book at the big fat head of the stupid creepy lady from table #6. i seriously do hope she chokes on her own dick.
at table #1 they ask me to spell my name. the room is not big, these people have seen me go to three other tables as well as heard me spell & say my name and address for three other retards. i hate everyone.
then i have to declare if i’m voting republican or democrat. i’m undeclared on my registration and i’d like to keep it that way, thank you, so this part always makes me feel a bit sickly. grudgingly i say democrat, then wonder how soon it will be before i can wash the icky taste out of my mouth. interestingly enough, the democrat ballots are RED and the republican ballots are BLUE. i wonder if that was on purpose?
now the voting:
god, these are my choices? this is all that massachusetts has to offer? oh gag and vomit and peril!
so now i have to chose between “fucked” and “motherfucked”. great. and the part that took almost as long as just getting my god damned ballot was bringing myself to finally shade in the little bubble by edward kennedy’s name. i don’t like him, i don’t know the republican option but i’m sure it’s no better. and i couldn’t think of a sufficient write-in (i wonder if stephen colbert would’ve automatically nullified my ballot) so i had to. eventually i had to.
i voted for a kennedy and it made me feel dirty. so dirty.
thus i am not pleased, and i hate everybody and everything right now. and when 2008 rolls around i’m going to have to try really hard to not take my cattleprod along and just gouge all the poll operators in the eyemeats (because they have police there) and pee on their bloody sockets. i would pee pure hatred and wrath.
i would make an effort to. until then, i hope they all choke on their own dicks. twice.
hopefully, the fact that it’s Talk Like a Pirate day will eventually make me feel better. that, and the fact that i can get all the battlestar fixes i need before season 3 starts (in 17 days, 7 hours & 53 minutes
Well, voting for a Kennedy does mean that you’re officially an eastern-massachusettsian.
Time for drinking to excess and becoming suspicious of minorities.