and it’s fucking awesome.
last year at scooter’s NC work party they gave everyone tickets to get their fortunes/palms read by random “psychics” in the upstairs verandas at the roxy. i ended up with some scary transvestite that i could barely hear over the roaring music downstairs.
mind you, i don’t believe in fortune telling, in palm reading, in tarot cards. i picked some pretty cards, smiled & nodded and tried not to laugh at the stupid shit the tranny told me. most of it didn’t make sense and mr. miss fortune teller got frustrated when it realized i don’t give a shit about relationship forecasts. it told me that it didn’t think marriage is in my future and i retorted that i don’t believe in marriage. it got angry and snapped “marriage doesn’t believe in you!” i laughed, joined scooter and went off to party and spend my last drink ticket and dance.
fast forward to last night’s NC party, for this year. same shit, different day. there was a different theme, a loud ass heavy-metal cover band and also a coupon for tarot/fortune telling. so…to kill time we frolicked off to try it out again. tranny #1 whisked norah away since it was so freaking loud in there and after a wait of FOREVER i sat down with uber-tranny #2. seriously, he looked like “walter” mercado.
so, i pick my cards and they’re very interesting looking and stuff. pretty colors, etc. and the dude starts asking me basic scam-feeler questions. my name, etc. — the kind of shit that really makes me want to say: “well you’re the fuckin’ psychic so you should know it already!”
but i didn’t cuz i was trying to behave.
then he asked me if i am in a relationship and i made the mistake of saying yes. “it’s very new,” he said. “you only just met him a few weeks ago.” i didn’t bother to correct the tranny.
then he went on to say how this imaginary dude i just started dating is going to upset me horribly by february 1st. how we might not be right for eachother and he might not be what i need right now. imaginary new boyfriend is totally the wrong dude for me! imagine that!? i shrugged. and tranny got confused “well, i mean…maybe you can make it work, it’s not set in stone it’s just going to be very rough in the days ahead.” what-ev. i suppose i should let the boy know that i have a new imaginary bf.
the tranny stared at me some more and asked what it is i do. i explained, then had to explain again, then finally gave up and said: “computers. i work with computers.”
the tranny stroked the cards some more, huffed and turned to me:
“i just can’t do this. i can’t read you, i’m not getting any good vibes and i can’t do a reading for you.”
me: “oh really? well, that’s fine”
and i go to get up and go get another god damned drink cuz all that waiting and whatnot is taking just too freaking long. also, i don’t know where scooter is at this point and am convinced tranny #1 whisked her away to steal her kidnesy and sell them on the black market.
tranny #2 picks this point to freak the fuck out and tell me to “WAIT HERE!” while he scurries off to consult with another trannyfortune teller about me & my lack of vibes. after a while he comes back and points to the tranny in the far booth way the hell across the veranda. apparently this tranny will get to me as soon as he/she/it’s done with it’s current stooge. all i have to do is cut in front of the huge ass line of people waiting for their very own tranny-readings and awkwardly eavesdrop next to the booth until he/she/it’s ready for me. SRSLY!
no fucking thank you.
i even tell tranny #2 that it’s ok he’s deficient and i’ll be on my way. he blinks: “but i want you to have a decent reading!”
but i want to have another drink.
finally i find scooter and frolick off to get that damned drink (that i’m almost positive contained diet fucking pepsi and precious little liquor) and she informs me that her tranny was slightly more helpful but considerably vague.
i’m convinced i broke my tranny.
awesome.
