from savage love:
For the past three years I have been in a stable relationship with a great guy. He is always there for me; he has never cheated on me. It is the kind of relationship that some girls dream of. The sex is okay.
But I’m only 24 and I’m feeling suffocated. A co-worker and I recently started to do things socially. We have a great time together. This past weekend, we admitted that we were attracted to each other. We ended up kissing. He is in a relationship and isn’t thinking about leaving. So it would work out perfectly; we could be like fuck buddies.
I am feeling conflicted. If it goes further with my co-worker, I don’t think I would tell my boyfriend because I don’t want to hurt him. But I wanted to get your feelings on getting some on the side. What are the pros and cons of cheating?
Some On The Side
The pros? Sex, excitement, variety. The cons? Discovery, breakup, hellfire. Every idiot knows those pros and cons, SOTS, including you.
But here’s a pro that’s rarely acknowledged: Sometimes cheating can save a long-term relationship. Sometimes only cheating makes it possible for a sexually rejected partner to stay in a relationship that’s worth preserving for other good, valid reasons—like kids, for instance. And sometimes only cheating makes it possible for a person whose partner has a chronic, debilitating illness to stay put and stay sane. In these cases, cheating isn’t just the right thing to do; it’s the only decent and honorable thing to do.
Some fuckwits, of course, piously insist that Cheating Is Always Wrong. To the CIAW crowd, I say this: Fuck you, you self-righteous Pollyanna fucktards. I’m sick of CIAW types insisting with one breath that sex and sexual exclusivity are hugely important. Even the contemplation of an affair, to say nothing of its consummation, represents an unforgivable betrayal. And then in the very next breath, CIAWers insist that sex is so unimportant, so colossally trivial, that a person should be able to go without—forever!—if their mate is unwilling or incapable.
You can’t have it both ways, CIAWers. If sex is hugely important then people can’t be faulted for wanting some; if it’s unimportant then it shouldn’t be seen as a huge betrayal when some poor fuckers, under duress, get their needs met elsewhere.
That said, SOTS, I’m not gonna give you a pass. You’re not done with sex, he’s not dying, you don’t have kids—cheating under your particular circumstances can’t be justified. Regardless of what happens with your co-worker, you need to end this relationship. You’re not attracted to your boyfriend emotionally or physically, and you don’t have the kind of entanglements—biological or durational—to rationalize a fuck buddy. Do the right thing, SOTS, and break up with this guy.
i love reading savage love, because it’s insightful (most of the time) and funny (usually) and he coined the term “santorum” (google it yourself, you’ll be pleasantly surprised). it’s the only advice-like column i read, because i don’t put much stock in advice columns anyway. the ann landers and dear abbys of the world bore the fuck out of me and are generally not that helpful. or stupid. or if you’re really lucky, they’re both. i think the real, secret reason people look to advice columns and read them is that they want to see people with more problems than themselves — comparative voyeurism, maybe? they want to see other people with fucked up lives and fucked up issues and compare it, or reassure themselves, or laugh, or make themselves feel better. even if you don’t seek out an advice column for yourself personally, you can still read and say: “hey, someone else has [fill in the blank] problem too!” or “wow, look at that poor fuck, i’m way better off than [he/she/it]”
it’s simple, really.
sometimes, though, they make you think. i love dan savage, and have read a few of his books. i need to own a few of his books, actually. but he’s great, and i always value what he has to say. he doesn’t make a point of coddling the poor saps who write in with their queries, he’s to the point and amusing. if you’re bored at work it’s welcome weekly distraction. and maybe, just maybe the whole “santorum” thing permanently earned mr. savage a soft spot in my lil heart.
today, i am thinking.
think think thinking: is cheating always wrong?
honestly, i’ve always thought so. always. or more accurately, since i’ve been old enough to have actual relationships, i’ve thought it woefully wrong. nigh unforgivable, actually. (this could all be because i have the tendency to be a hugely vindictive bitch)
i would hope — i’d like to think — that i’m not some morally idealistic little pollyanna. i know what i am and am not capable of and i don’t think they’re entirely too restricting one way or the other. considering my upbringing, i could be far far more on the prude side of the scale. i am also fully aware that i have a whole host of trust and commitment issues that completely influence my opinions regarding all things sexual in nature and relationship related. i get that and i admit it.
am i really, really wrong?
dan brings up some really good points though; in long-term, heavily-invested relationships, maybe cheating isn’t the absolute death knoll. i wouldn’t exactly know, not having had the proper experience. and while i do have the occasional worry “omg am i serial monogamist?!?” — amidst a whole slew of insane worries — i can’t honestly say if in a very long term relationship cheating would be acceptable to me, personally. remember the vindictive bitchiness? there’s also a great deal of vanity, self-consciousness and plain ol’ feelings that keep me from thinking i could honestly be ok with it. maybe i’m dying and sickly and rotting away and my partner cheats…would i let it go? probably not. would i expect them to stay with me? definitely not. i would know how bad the situation is and end it before the cheating could occur. i would hope and pray to god that i’d at least have the presence of mind to do that one thing.
on the flip side, if my partner were the one in a situation where i was not getting satisfied in the long term. maybe they have the chronic illness or disability or whatever that keeps them from putting out…it would be really, really, really fucking hard. because every single version of me does not do well with confrontation in any way shape or form, i would have to work up the nerve to tell them that a.) my needs are not being met b.) it’s not their fault and c.) we need to redefine our relationship. and it would end, or change into something not so intimate. maybe friendship? but probably not…which is a whole ‘nother issue entirely, but i’ll not get into it now. i wouldn’t just start fucking someone on the side and not at least have some sort of discussion. i couldn’t.
this, i do have experience with, actually. i am very particular about who i do and do not fuck. and there are very simple guidelines for who i do and do not fuck regarding relationships.
- just because i fuck you, or even fool around with you, does not make us a couple/exclusive/soulmates/whatever. maybe i just want to fuck. if we’re fucking, that does not equal a relationship. if i’m fucking you, and only fucking you, that doesn’t give you any claim on me. if i decide to keep fucking you, and maybe more, fine. but don’t push it.
- you will respect my contraceptive/protective measures if we are going to fuck, no questions asked, no exceptions. nobody plays with my life.
- if we’re in a relationship, and we’re fucking then it’s non-negotiable that we’re only fucking each other. if we’re fucking — relationship or not — and you decide to fuck someone else, i want to know about it. i have enough to worry about without freaking about some dude’s safe sex practices, or whomever else he decides to fuck. if we’re fucking, then you’re the only person that i’m fucking. whether or not i’m in a relationship with you.
it doesn’t sound too ridiculous in my head. maybe it looks a bit redundant, i don’t know. i’ve been cheated on and while i couldn’t possibly give less of a shit about the existence of the boy who dared cheat on me, i have to say honestly if i were locked in a room with the skank he cheated on me with i would fucking rip her to pieces. (see also: vindictive bitch)
i don’t even want the dude anymore, don’t even care who or what he does or does not fuck, and am grateful he’s totally out of my life…but the fact that he did it. i don’t know, it’s an ego thing, a respect thing, an “i-will-never-fucking-forgive-you-and-hope-your-cock-rots-off” thing, whatever. does that make me an unyielding pollyanna-tard?
i really don’t know.
the merits of no strings attached, once in a while, i’m horny now! sex are many and quite understandable. i completely believe you can have sex with someone just for the sake of fucking, all emotions null and void. i’ve done it, i’ve liked it, i’ve lived to fuck another day. i have not done that while in a relationship, however. i don’t thinkknow that i could not. if i already have one person to fuck, i’m not going to bother with the hassle of fucking someone else for no reason. and if i no longer want to fuck the person i’m fucking, then i will tell them — relationship or not — no more. and be done with it.
it’s simple. to me, it is simple. is it wrong?
as far as cheating is concerned, i just can’t forgive it. and maybe, really, it should be divided into two different categories. like, cheating just for the sake of fucking, and cheating the way dan describes it: to save a relationship worth saving. personally, i can’t see how cheating could save a relationship, but i’ve never been in that situation. any situation i’ve ever experienced or heard of or seen, cheating has been the beginning of the end.
also, i have this issue of over thinking fucking everything (hello, blog), and i just couldn’t get my mind to stop thinking about it if/when it happens. even if i were to push myself to forgive someone, i would never forget. which, i don’t know, makes me a bad person or whatever but fuck it, i’m just being honest. cheating usually involves LYING, which is like, the cardinal sin in the Book of Me, and i can’t condone that.
i could maybe deal with the fact that a dude fucked someone else, eventually i’ll get that image out of my head. but the lying? well hell, that right there is a fucking thing i’ll never get over. i’ll doubt, i’ll question, i’ll worry and obsess. my own fucking issues, but if i can’t trust you…if i can’t trust you than what’s the point wasting time on you? and…there’s also the part where i’m an absofuckinglutely shitty liar and also catholic-thus-prone-to-guilt and aside from the fact that i don’t think i could actually bring myself to cheat on someone, if i ever did, i’m 100% certain i would freak the fuck out immediately after.
i’m also greedy and stingy with my trust. burn me once, and all that. but basically, i guess, the bottom line is maybe, just maybe all cheating isn’t wrong…but for me, it is. and honestly, i could give a fuck what other people do with their lives or their relationships. if joe bob cheats on suzie q with skanky mcskankpants, what’s that to me? i could give a shit if one of them has some terminal disease or is a giant douche or whatever. i think that’s what’s important, really.
nobody else can tell me whether or not cheating is wrong. nobody else can tell me to cheat or not cheat. nobody else cheating or not cheating is going to effect me if they’re not in a relationship with me, so…that’s all that matters.
as for what dan points out:
I’m sick of CIAW types insisting with one breath that sex and sexual exclusivity are hugely important. Even the contemplation of an affair, to say nothing of its consummation, represents an unforgivable betrayal. And then in the very next breath, CIAWers insist that sex is so unimportant, so colossally trivial, that a person should be able to go without—forever!—if their mate is unwilling or incapable.
i completely agree. people have urges, people are human, and sex is fucking fantastic. i can’t even count on one hand (with fingers missing!) how many things i like doing more than sex, it’s fucking great. i do, personally, think that sexual exclusivity is important — within certain parameters & with proper agreement — but i do not agree that sex is not important. it fucking is. if your partner is unwilling or incapable and you still want/need/crave sex, then it’s only human to do something about it. it’s just the dishonesty i can’t wrap my mind around. and maybe that’s the point for me. maybe…
and maybe it’s just that sometimes i write a bunch of useless shit that is not important in the slightest (see the endless amounts of random filler) and sometimes i write a bunch of useless shit that just makes me look stupid (see above). but at the end of the day, at least it’s out of my head for a bit.
shit gets crowded in here.
ummm… that post on savage was the single worst use of the straw man arguement I’ve ever read. it’s enough to make ann coulter mad with rage.