i need a change. and isn’t that always the way? constantly restless and dissatisfied and totally in need of a change. the problem — as always — is of course, what kind of change?
i always end up opting for something on a superficial level because that’s the easiest and requires the least amount of actual change. isn’t that pathetic? i think so.
habitually unhappy & just as habitually doing nothing about it. i’m the worst broken record there is.
i need to make some serious changes at home and at work, that’s for certain. i need to make some serious changes in my life. everything is seriously wrong in such small ways i can’t pick anything apart right now. everything is just wrong enough that things could start to get seriously, honestly bad and i don’t know what to do about it.
not at work, not at home, not with myself, not with my relationships, not with anything.
and i can’t remember just when i let everything get so out of control. or maybe, the honest admission would be: i never had anything under control to begin with.
fuck.
tomorrow i have an early morning performance review. for some reason i see nothing but bad coming out of that, and honestly i just don’t care. my job is the one stable, beneficial thing i have in my life right now and it would figure that i could find some way to fuck it all up one way or another. maybe it’s just natural pessimism but i don’t really have a good feeling about it. every day is just getting busier and busier and my ability to handle it all is waning.
next week i’m in new york for two days. you’d think i’d be excited, right?
i’m not. not even a little bit because for all my desire to check out new york and just be away from here & everything…it seems like a hassle. there’s going to be expenses to figure in, and i’m going to be so busy. trying to cram as much work as possible into so little time. the immediately coming back to even more work & playing catch up.
nick is going to be here in just around two weeks and i’m both extremely excited and totally stressed out. of course, my camera is still broken from the offsite in chicago and so picture taking will be limited while he’s out here. i’m trying to plan lots of fun things for him, and getting totally overwhelmed. it’s going to be a lot of responsibility, that’s for sure.
and i love my little brother, i do…but i almost wish i could post-pone or reschedule his trip and just…
i don’t know…
run away from my life.
i’m lonely, and i’m confused, and i’m exhausted.
it makes me whine entirely too much. and i hate it.
