when i was a kid my daddy was practically the strongest guy ever. he lifted weights, he fixed cars, he worked with his hands. he could lift you up off the ground with just his bicep, all in the power of one bulging muscle.
and he was stern, too. ever since i was little i did whatever he said just because you don’t mess with daddy. he’s old school and tough. but, that’s not to say that i didn’t get away with my fair share of stuff. and it’s not to say i didn’t — to some extent — have him wrapped around my little finger. i mean, not every daddy just gives his four-year-old exclusive rights to his kick ass muscle car, and lives up to his end of the deal 12 years later when she’s ready to drive said muscle car.
i wouldn’t be the person i am today if it weren’t for him teaching me the right way to install a carburetor and check your tire pressure; or why the broncos are an evil empire; or how to pick the best fruit and vegetables; or where to kick douchey boys that bother you.
without a doubt, i am 100% totally and completely a daddy’s girl.
being here is hard right now. because i’m surrounded by all these memories of how things used to be, the way we were; and it’s in such a sharp contrast to reality right now.
you’re not supposed to see the strongest man in your life weak and struggling. not for you, and especially not for him. it’s just not supposed to be this way, for any of us. he’s so small and different from the daddy i grew up with, and it’s far harder on him than it could ever be on me.
i feel horrible because all i want is my daddy back; healthy and the way he used to be. it’s selfish, completely and totally selfish but i can’t help it. it’s fucking not supposed to be this way. three days ago he woke up and didn’t even remember that i was here, he thought someone broke into the house. he’s so susceptible to infections and things that healthy people shrug right off or don’t worry about, that he’s been particularly sick this visit.
the worst is how everyone else acts like this is just the way things are, that it’s ok or even acceptable for any of us to be in this situation. faux well-wishers and sympathizers, i wish they would all stop coming around. we don’t fucking need them. and don’t they know how awful it is for them to see him this way? so far at least 5 different people from hospice have shown up, yammering and twitching with their patented “we’re here for you” script.
and after all the years my daddy spent protecting me, i can’t stop them from seeing him this way. i can’t just cover him up and hide the sickness, the weakness, the exhaustion. because that’s exactly what they’re here for. fucking vultures.
they just don’t know.
and they want to pry. who knows, maybe they don’t exactly want to…but they are. hell, even my brother can tell, and wants nothing to do with the bulk of them.
and me, i’m just mad. at the world, really. the doctors for not doing anything to stop this in the first place; my mother for not doing everything to make this all stop; the insurance companies for being stingy corporate douche bags about medication; the hospital for not doing everything to make him comfortable (or better)…and if we’re going to be completely honest..hell i’m even a little mad at him for even being sick.
because this is not supposed to happen, we’re not supposed to be doing this right now.
i don’t know if i can do this…
