i wore my new boots today: they are gorgeous and comfy and fabulous, and totally worth every incredibly expensive cent i paid for them. this is pertinent because i totally didn’t have to wear my boots today. the weather has calmed down considerably, and the piles of snow and slush are diminishing and thus boston is totally navigateable without fabulous boots. but (see above) they are so ridiculous comfortable and awesome, so i spend the extra 5-8 minutes in the morning lacing them up before i leave the house. plus, when i first got them the weather was unbearably nice and totally uncooperative with my new boots initiative.
last night, however, i was seriously squicked out in a boots-related incident. this incident also incorporates my extreme revulsion at seeing complete fucking strangers naked.
recently, i have attempted to improve the state of my ever-widening ass and have thus been going to the gym. i’m trying to stick to it, though truth be told i could be a bit more vigilant. i have a workout plan, but considering the size of my aforementioned ass i could stand to go above & beyond said plan. though it wouldn’t hurt to cutback on mini cheesecakes as well, i bet. additionally, i just got the most fabulously awesome new gym shoes (hey, it’s been 4+ fucking years since i got new gym shoes…ok? totally.justified.) and now when i’m working out at least one part of me looks totally cute. 
anyway, last night was workout #4 in The Plan and i diligently headed towards the gym to give my lower body the trouncing it deserves. i? have kickass leg strength, so workout was productive and not completely debilitating (arm strength? not so much). i manage to squeeze in abs & cardio post-strength training and trot off to the locker room to get somewhat presentable to ride the damn T home (incidentally, due to work schedule + late workouts + timing, the boy and i are routinely riding the train home together. heh). i enter the way-too-heated women’s locker room and venture towards my locker of the evening (#81 bitchez, divisible by 3 and 9, aw yeah…) only to find a wet, jiggly, completely fucking naked ass blocking my path. totally random middle-aged bitch is naked.as.fuck. in front of her locker — dripping sweat? water? EW! — all over the god damned carpet which happens to be right fucking next to my locker and thus her naked, sweaty chesticles are precariously close to smudging into my locker door.
shudder…
i have never opened my combination lock faster than i did after barking out a “pleaseexcusemethat’smylocker” cough. belongings yanked out of locker and shoved into bag, pants changed and then i began lacing up my beautiful, beautiful boots. creepy naked lady sauntered off — totally fucking nude! — to do god knows what and i laced so very fucking fast.
but it was not fast enough, my friends. not fucking fast enough. she came back, even MORE DRIPPY with a towel haphazardly wrapped around her hips. but not securely enough to protect the world from middle-aged cambridge ass-crack. eyes trained solely on my shoes i finished getting ready to make my post-gym escape. standing up, book & coat in hand, boots securely laced and hositing bag onto shoulders…it happens.
creepily moist naked lady deigns to speak to me: “those are wonderful boots.”
i pause, shake off the shock, and nod. yes, they are.
of course at the time i’m thinking and now i may never wear them again as i’ll spend the rest of my days burning the image your saggy wet ass & scraggly cooter out of my retinas, and dashing out the gym fast enough to seriously pull a muscle or something.
the following things are completely non-negotiable rules for my life:
- i have impeccable taste in fabulous shoes
- sub-rule: all the world shall bow down before my fabulous shoes, and marvel at their glory
- i do NOT do naked in public, thankyouverymuch
- therefore i do not want to SEE anyone who does do naked in public! (note: my bedroom is NOT in public and thus if you’re there and i request the naked i damn well better get it, ok?)
- and if i have to see anyone naked that i explicitly do not wish to do so (say, johnny depp…): THERE WILL BE NO VERBAL COMMUNICATION EXCHANGED! PERIOD! GAH!!!
there are, of course, more rules…but for now, these are the applicable ones. and i’m sorry but i should not have to speak to anyone that i see naked when i am not willingly viewing them in all their fuckin’ glory (or complete lack thereof, as the case may be).
i mean, really, what the hell is the matter with people? and in case i wasn’t crystal enough:
COMPLIMENTING MY OBVIOUSLY FANTASTIC SHOES DOES NOT EXONERATE YOU FOR TRANSGRESSIONS OF A MOIST/DRIPPING AND FUCKING NAKED VARIETY!!!
(thus i hath spake)
at the very least, i have a number of extra-spiffy shoes to console me. and hey, i didn’t even get to mention my gorgeous new isaac mizrahi black patent pumps (on sale! at target!). because they? are awesome.
