doctors lie. it’s the thing they’re best at — they have crafted their skill to perfection, lying is as natural to them as breathing. and the rest of us poor, hapless slobs are subject to their whims…and we can’t do anything about it. frankly, i’m not sure what is worse: knowing that you’re being so plainly lied to or believing in the lies…
i do not know why they would do such a thing. what is there to gain? who benefits? in the end they go about their doctor lives with no concern and your life is irrevocably changed.
today i a bad day…every day is a big difficult, but today is harder than most. i can’t get the lies out of my mind…i can’t get over the horrible sense of betrayal…
i do not understand why any doctor would have the audacity to issue anyone a deadline. even the word itself is beyond offensive. and now, all i have left is this horrible concept of a deadline to deal with. just a fucking empty promise, a fucking dirty lie.
on the one hand, march was the culmination of the deadline…knowing this was like staring down the barrel of a gun. cold and vicious as gunmetal…hollow…life-altering…dangerous. would i be better equipped to have everything torn apart now than i was in december? would i be able to deal with it more effectively having had some extra time to prepare? you can’t fucking prepare for shit like this, because all the time in the world is never time enough. time is a vicious lie, too. it is never your friend, never on your side, never helpful and it sure as shit does not “heal all wounds”.
time will fuck you up.
on the other hand, it’s been three fucking lonely ass months that hurt so bad it’s a physical ache. the mere fact that it’s been three months fucking eats away at me…it tears me up inside. i’m not fucking strong enough to deal with this… and i feel ripped off…because we were all told something, all given a specific gun to stare down the barrel of only to realize it was wrong. fucking wrong. i could have had more time, god damn it! i would give anything — fucking ANYTHING — for more time, and it still wouldn’t be enough…
it’s never enough.
i couldn’t go through it all over again, but god damn, i wanted to believe the lies…
and now? now i can never forget the possibility of the lies… what could have been? i feel robbed.
mislead on top of everything else…this hurt that is still as fresh as it was three fucking months ago. no, it’s more than it was then…by the simple virtue of time passing on without the merest of consideration for how fucking awful everything is.
yo le pierdo tanto, cada vez mas cada dÃa…
