this weekend at our house the boy and i went to devour scrumptious foods (oh our house, how i love you…), and as is custom, a movie was playing or the afternoon lull. this usually only happens during the off-season of baseball, yet it is a nice change. the precious time between sox mania is too rare around these parts. but i digress, this weekend the film on screen was that odious drivel: the wedding crashers (which, was picked to follow motherfuckin’ blow with motherfuckin’ johnny depp). i cannot for the life of me suspend my disbelief at this fucking movie.
if you are not familiar, a bit of background:
John Beckwith (Wilson) and Jeremy Grey (Vaughn), single bachelors, are long-time friends and business partners in divorce mediation in Washington D.C. The friends frequently “crash” (attend as uninvited guests) wedding parties to meet women, working from a set of rules taught to them by Chazz Reinhold (Will Ferrell). The duo always have cover stories for inquisitive guests and inevitably become the hit of every reception, to charm their way into the hearts of a bridesmaid for one night only.
now, i am somewhat tolerant of vince vaughn, but owen wilson squicks me out (what the hell is up with his nose, man?) he is by far the less attractive wilson brother. this weekend was the most i have ever been exposed to the wedding crashers, for even the previews alone just boggled my mind. also, does christopher walken have some sort of life-crippling gambling debt? why does he keep making such shitty movie choices? anyway, just hearing the movie playing totally fucked with my process. i think the boy could actually see some of the movie, but i couldn’t even be bothered: it is just.that.awful.
and how in the hell does something like this get made in the first place? the premise is more outlandish than the fucking matrix! i mean, two dudes who VOLUNTARILY attend weddings together? two dudes who voluntarily fucking get all gussied up in suits and ties (because lord knows how comfortable those are!) and go to romantical, frilly, emotional, sophisticated, religious, boring-as-fuck weddings of their own recognizance just to score some tail? uh, yeah…sure.
like there aren’t better ways for late-20s/early-30s (i’m being generous, here) dudes to acquire the pussy*…
there is not a single straight man alive i know or have ever heard of that would subject himself to this kind of jackassery just to score with drunk hos. especially drunk hos in formal wear, at least slutty bar clothes are far less constricting and easier to pry off. and sure, there may be an open bar at some weddings, but is it really fucking worth it? i mean, really?
i just, i cannot for a single minute believe any part of this scenario! even if i try? FAILURE. much like this movie. where is the vince vaughn i know and love? oh right…he’s in dodgeball.
oh and (SPOILER ALERT) even though we didn’t stick around to see/hear it firsthand, apparently the ending of the movie is just as spectacular as the rest:
The film ends with Jeremy getting married to Gloria, John uniting with Claire, and the two couples driving away to their honeymoon. Along the way, they see a wedding and decide to stop…
um…excuse me while i rinse this vomit out of my mouth.
not that all weddings are horrible, mind-numbingly boring events (so far i’ve been to two awesome ones!), but christ…is hollywood really that bereft of ideas that this is the best they can come up with?
oh wait, no…they can come up with much, much worse…anyone ever see gigli? i still shudder to think of it. plus, hey, there’s that new prom/horror movie coming out, that looks like it’ll be a hoot! not. still, a psycho murderizin’ lame ass teenagers during prom (in a town apparently without any law enforcement of any kind…) is far more believable than the fucking wedding crashers.
* though, if you look like owen wilson you probably have to go to extreme measures just to get laid…
