today i feel hazy around the edges…unclear. insubstantial. i should have stayed in bed. i feel as if at any moment everything will just disappear…i will disappear.
in the middle of the night i woke up to find myself crying…a quieter imitation of the gut-wrenching sobs my dreams were full of. most.wretched.dreams.ever. the most disturbing fact being: i never dream. never. and if i do, i never have to remember it. but i do…i do remember it all. so awful it woke me up, and i’m such a deep sleeper it’s ridiculous.
loss…loss and more loss, everything tinged with it. swamped in it, so much i can’t think i can’t see i can’t breathe. and sorrow and sorrow and more sorrow and desespere y más desesperación.
i cannot concentrate, i’m overwhelmed and it’s taking every ounce of my willpower to just hold it together. usually i can keep moments like this contained, or hidden, can compartmentalize it until the time is convenient. though, that is not entirely true…it is never convenient.
everyone always talks about “the five stages” and i can’t help but feel that it’s a complete farce. there’s nothing and nothing and more nothing but emptiness and sorrow. a feeling of hollowness…
and i can’t stop any of this…
