after 10 years of living pretty damn close to fucking married, johnny depp (my number one future baby daddy) has decided he will marry his bottom bitch ho girlfriend this june. that noise you’re hearing in the background is the anguished wails of a million women worldwide, crying out in disbelief and agony: “WHY GOD WHY?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
of course taking a closer look at his ho, i can’t help but think there’s always a possibility for extramarital affairs, yes? surely he can still find the time to be my future baby daddy someday…i mean, i have made a number of personal sacrifices to reserve this spot for him:
- i have overlooked the fact that he is nearly 20 years older than me (does cock age gracefully?) because he clearly has a pact with the devil to look that insanely fucking hot after all this time.
- i have decided it is ok that he has already spawned with someone else, because if i get hungry i don’t have to wait to eat any future babies, there are pre-made children available for some barbecue.
- despite being from kentucky, and not being made out of chicken, i will still deign to hit it like the fist of an angry god because he could be from alabama and it wouldn’t matter so long as he’s still that fucking hot.
- it’s not his fault that there were no REAL MIDGETS in the chocolate factory remake, but i have forgiven him for not lobbying harder for their inclusion.
and see, despite all of these things, i still covet mr. depp. of course, there will be a brief period of mourning whilst he goes ahead with that silly marriage thing, but you know…i’ll get over it. because whether he’s married or spawning or not, he’s still hot as hell.
though he may get bumped down the list a bit after june. unless, of course, another pirates movie comes out.
because johnny depp as a pirate is greater than johnny depp alone.
it’s true.
