next month i will be 26-years-old. depending on the mood i’m in, this thought has both positive and negative feelings associated with it. i don’t feel old, but at times i’m certainly underwhelmed by how littlemuch i’ve accomplished in this time. regrets can consume your thoughts, your actions, your whole life…if you let them. sometimes i feel helpless, out of control when i think about all i have or have not done (and really, it’s mainly the ‘have not’s that get me down)…
but i refuse to continue being a passive force in my own life anymore. twenty-six years is too long to live without asserting some control.
so that’s exactly what i’m doing.
not everyone will agree with my actions and choices, but so what? honestly, why should i bother myself with the opinions of others? i’ve spent too much of my life worried about what people will say or think about me. my clothes, my hair, my actions, my personality, my sex, my skin, my thoughts, everything that i am is open for scrutiny either by my own doing or without my knowledge and there’s really nothing i can do about it. except: stop caring.
if someone doesn’t like me for me, well, then…tough. life is too god damned short and i don’t have the time or energy or inclination to make sure that i’m pleasing 100% of everyone 100% of the time. fuck that noise. i’m working on pleasing myself these days, and let me tell you, it’s been a long time coming.
and so, the first step is to take control of my body. this is actually a multi-step choice but the first part is what i’ll discuss here. in a mere two weeks i will be going to doctor’s visit #3 to have a procedure done to assure that my baby-making-factory is closed for business. no children, no way, no how, never. after leaving the office yesterday with an appointment card in my hand, i have been experiencing continuous outburst of pure, unadulterated joy.
plain and simple, i am ecstatic. this, too, has been a long time coming. i cannot tell you how long i’ve waited and researched and pleaded and hoped for this day to come. since i was a young, young girl i have known deep within my heart that i do not, will not want children. never ever EVER. there is not even the slightest possibility or chance that i will ever desire or have the urge to spawn. i have not wavered in this decision in over a decade and i’m sorry, but i honestly do not know of any circumstances that would even come close to making me change my mind on this. it is my decision and mine alone, let me repeat: it is my unwavering decision.
i could not be more thrilled with this decision. i consider myself very lucky and very fortunate that i have never had to deal with any “pregnancy scares” or worried over being late or worse, actually having to deal with fertilization. the thought of it, in fact, makes me physically ill. and i don’t think it’s fair the way the government and society have taken it upon themselves to mandate what a woman can and cannot do with her own body. reproductive rights are not a public affair, they are personal, private and sacred. and frankly, i don’t trust the government to protect the rights of women. just the idea that birth control could be tossed into the same category as abortion because of something some ignorant man says/thinks/feels (no matter how ill-informed) scares me to the very marrow of my bones. what a world, right?
but soon, so blessedly soon, i will not have to worry. i will take my life and my body into my own hands and everything will be mine. the government can’t stop me, nobody will get in my way…and i will be free.
i cannot wait to start living my life for me, just the way i want…
i cannot wait to be free.
Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you. — sartre
