battlestar galactica is BACK, yo. after an eleventy-billion years long mid-season break, the last half of season 4 came back on friday with a BANG. we’re in the final run here, with the last few episodes of the season and of the series. we’re a long, long way from the mini-series and season one, though.
the first episode back of season 4.5 had a lot of shocking moments, and i’m not sure which one was the most insane. eons ago before the mid-season break, the world was left with one hell of a cliffhanger and smack in the face. because as everyone knows, the #1 goal aside from (don’t let the frakkin’ cylons kill everyone) is to find earth. the mythical, legendary earth of the 13 original colonies.
because, quite frankly, battlestar galactica is a god damned dark show. it is bleak, it is harsh and it is very stark in its reality. so the only thing that has dragged it on this long is the scant bit of hope that everyone is clinging to. hope that is centered on this singular goal that even the bad guys (cylons, duh) have glommed on to: earth.
first half of season 4? they found earth.
it was one hell of a nuked, fucked-to-death, steaming pile of caca (tm brad neely), in short. seriously, bleak and hellish, completely unlivable and talk about a fucking overkill. basically every human on battlestar galactica has been stuck in a series of tin cans aimlessly wandering through the cold vacuum of space without fresh air or sunshine or decent food or privacy for years and years, earth was their only reason for living, their only reason to go on…so when they found it, BAM! CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON! (except for stupid fatty apollo dancing around and threatening to strip in glee, ugh)
ron moore is exceptional at punching you in the throat with his dramatics. so basically he’s taken these run down, half-dead, miserable sad sacks from the pinnacle of the only joy they’ve known since their world was OBLITERATED and completely sent them crashing to the ground to be crushed. every.hope.dashed.
earth? is totally fubar. humans? are beyond fucked.
that is not the most shocking point, however. because it’s become apparent that there is NO JOY in BSG or for anyone involved. and, despite what a buzzkill that reveal was (then again would the rest of the season really be BSG if it was just “oh hai! watch everyone live on earth, yawn!”) they did a spectacular job of showing the desolation and despair that finding a worthless earth brought on. laura roslin (the only prez i will ever love, for reals) just totally shut the fuck down and was like “ok ppl, i’m done, k thx bi”. adama went all drunked out fuckery and tried to get tigh — motherfuckin’ TIGH — to kill him and even put a gun to his own damn head!. and the best illustration of just how harsh the death of a dream is: dualla killed herself.
now, i’m not 100% in love with that character. i did think she got hosed for being in the middle of the whole apollo-starbuck “lurve” business on the one hand. but on the other hand she fucked over billy and THEN HE DIED so whatever, fuck dualla. but on the other hand (again) she was like, the voice of the galactica…the sole person guiding the lost ships and wayward home, so…rough.
and i’m sure tons of other folks decided that they were fuckin’ done and pulled a peace out check you bitchez laters as well. but if we saw a bunch of redshirts or random colonial survivors randomly pulling a lemming it wouldn’t have the resonance of seeing a familiar face since the fucking miniseries go down in flames. oh and the olmos? he fucking KILLS (no pun intended) with his heartbreaking heartbreak. god damn that face. also, everyone on the galactica is a daughter or a son that you tough love and cherish, so you know he took it super hard times fifty-bajillion. plus dualla technically was family since she totally pity married that lard ass pussy apollo. double-harsh.
so where were we? oh right, earth = worthless and dualla = dead. everyone is freaking out, the humans and cylons are all WTF?! and for the time being holding onto their tenuous truce. except “research” and whatever exploratory efforts everyone could manage in the face of such crushing disappointment reveals yet another sucker punch to the nutsack about earth. you know that 13th colony that was like the “original” human race or whatever? the mythical colony that everyone worships and praises and whatever? yeah, they were fuckin’ skinbag toasters or some fucked up shit and worthless ass anders and gorilla-faced chief and stupid slutty tory and tigh were all cylons on the original earth (before the nuke-age) living happily and frolicking and then BOOM BAM DESTROY! they blew the fuck up about 2,000 years ago. all the remains dug up on the planet now? cylon shit, man. oh, and the fantastic four of the final five totally have a bunch of fucked up flashbacks about their life on “earth”.
but none is more fucked up than what happens to starbuck. which, i have to say i’m pretty tired of the “kara thrace and her special destiny: LIVE! ON TOUR NOW!” shit that’s going on, but i figure it’s because ron moore & co. had an idea and didn’t think it through and painted themselves into such a spectacularly shitty corner that rather than try and explain it all away they’re just going to make it weirder and weirder and weirder and hope we don’t ever realize what’s going on. or care. because i don’t. care, that is. seriously, as far as i’m concerned starbuck is a ninja robot dinosaur and she personally fucked the earth to death with her evil magic cooter powers. or something. whatever.
BUT what happens to her is she totally starts tweaking out with her internal gps shit all ‘omg i’m getting a colonial signal in mah head’ and frolicks around the fucked up earth with sketchy-ass leoben. and he is loving it up cuz he’s the #1 fan in the “let’s worship crazy ass kara thrace” club and makes the kool-aid himself every tuesday afternoon. so they’re frolicking and frolicking and along the way starbuck finds a bunch of smashed up pieces of her personal viper — the very same viper that is in like fucking pristine condish back on galactica — and begins to seriously bug. leoben, for the first time ever, seems a bit freaked out and is like ‘yo, girl let’s ditch this dirtball and go make out freaky cylon style on galactica’ but she’s like whatever and keeps going with her crazy starbuck eyes and shit. and then? totally comes across the smoking smashed up wreckage of her viper, goes crazy and starts hauling it over and making leoben help her to UNEARTH HER OWN FUCKING BURNED AS HELL ROTTING ASS CORPSE! so.damn.gross. and fucked up, and wrong! it even has the same dogtags and assy blonde hair and wedding rings and everything.
it IS starbuck, but it isn’t. and she’s all OMG WTF AM I!? and leoben is like ‘fuck that’s messed up’ and totally bolts with his prophetic tail between his legs and starbuck proceeds to have a total mental breakdown because that shit is messed.up. for real.
later: she burns her own corpse on the beach.
is that not the most fucked up thing ever? but oh wait, there is MOAR! while everyone is being all depressio over earth, the olmos is working on his most “buck up, lil camper” speech ever so he can just say FUCK YOU to earth and get the hell out of there so everyone is not looking at the source of all their ills and find a new planet to centralize all their pitiful hopes and dreams on. you know why? cuz he’s the fucking olmos, that’s why. you do not fuck with him, you hear that earth? you fucking DO NOT. so he’s like EVERYBODY PACK THE FUCK UP WE’RE TOTALLY BLOWING THIS POPSICLE STAND. OH HAY CYLONZ: U CAN COME 2. and you’d think that would be where the episode would leave off, but NO.
tigh is doing some last minute wanderings around stupid stinky earth and thinking about some swiming fox story that the olmos told him when he was full of drunken rage and sadness he wanders out into the ocean to have his “final five flashback” so he can thoroughly and completely turn the whole world of BSG on it’s head with possibly the last and greatest reveal of all (because again: fuck starbuck’s “special” destiny, in the ear).
so he’s totally remembering what it was like on original earth pre-nuking and floundering in the ocean all freaky-style because of course all the final fivers are having flashbacks of the exact fucking moment that earth was ruined and while he’s doing that he totally flashes back to: ELLEN FUCKING TIGH, THE MOST COUGARRIFIC DEAD WIFEY 
EVER. for serious and for true she is the final and 5th fucking cylon. can you imagine?
ellen tigh, who was killed by final fiver and cylon himself saul tigh, for collaborating with the fuckin’ cylons! is a fucking cylon!?!?!! what the fuckhell, people? what the fuckhell?! i have no idea where there going with this and i’ve already read that kate vernon will be back in the last nine episodes of the season (no concrete word yet on if it’s as a flashback only or whatever) but what the hell, man. also, let us not forget that the original caprica six is TOTALLY FULL OF TIGH’S CREEPY CYLON/FINAL CYLON BABY!!! it is INSIDE of her, right now! ew. what.the.hell.are.they.doing?
ron more is a sick and twisted fuck, and i think i love him for it. even his fucked up decisions and insane painting-himself-into-a-corner habit because he is still awesome and stands by his decisions. though he still goes on the shit list for furthering that dumb cunt jane espenson’s “career”. she is a worthless sack of failure if there ever was one, man; and for that i will block out most of season 3…
and so, in a couple days they’re going to follow up with the next episode and the season, the series…it winds down, motherfuckers.
boom boom boom.
