because as bad as it sounds, my mind was occupied by other things at the time. i wasn’t necessarily distracted so much as putting it off, i suppose. too busy thinking about how small he was and how badly i wanted him to feel better and how much i would give to make everything ok. everything back the way it was…the way it was when the world was ok.
i never said good-bye because that is final. it is ending a chapter and slamming the book shut and turning out the lights and being finally and completely over, and i could not do that. of all the things i can and have done in my life, i have to say that i am just not strong enough for some. and could not bring myself to say it. the words stopped in my throat, choked back by the way the world was squeezing in on us, crushing us all down. ghost words swimming in the back of my throat, in a sea of tears. bitter words.
it’s been a while…27,843,200 seconds; 630,720 minutes; 10,512 hours; 62 weeks; 14 months; 1 year 2 months 10 days…and every hurt is just as fresh as ever. i can close my eyes and re-live every single moment right down to the nanosecond and when i open them the world is bright, stark and thrumming with pain that has not lessened one instance since then.
but it is never about what was left unsaid, the words that some people say should be spoken. it would not have changed anything, it would not have stopped anything…it would have been a cold, false comfort in a world where there is none.
i never said good-bye…
because i was too busy saying i love you.
