They rebelled
They evolved
They look and feel human
Some are programmed to think they are human
There are many copies
And they have a plan
unless you’ve been living under a rock or are a godless heathen or something, you’ve heard of battlestar galactica. unless you are completely devoid of taste or intelligence, you’ve watched battlestar galactica.
tonight, tonight is the end of an era, motherfuckers. and i am not holdin’ it together all that well. five years, five long years…i cannot believe it’s all coming to an end. and of course, from the moment i saw the mini series, from season one, we’ve known the end is nigh. even ron moore has said repeatedly that this is one story to tell that will have a beginning, middle, and end…and then it will be over. but that doesn’t mean i want to see it go. and of course, i know it can’t have a simpsons-like run…but a world without battlestar galactica? is that a world i want to live in?
i just don’t know.
there’s a whole motherfuckin’ shitload of stuff that has to be resolved, and tonight we only get two hours to resolve it in. will they answer all the questions? who knows. i’m not going to front and say every.single.episode. has been fantastic and a cinematic triumph. because it’s all jane espenson’s fault it’s just not true. there have been some really shitty, awful, boring episodes that jane espenson wrote. but still, an hour of bad battlestar is a million times better than 5 seconds of regular tv. except, what i really mean to say is: i hope someone fires a flaming bear at jane espenson’s stupid, talentless face and she dies in a fire! may her writing fingers be broken and her mouth struck dumb lest she ever ruin another piece of media again.
but i digress, it’s not about the handful of episodes that were frustratingly devoid of …well, anything, really. sure, they did seem to stagnate bits of various seasons; and a lot of people would say it never could live up to the miraculousness of season one…but as a whole, battlestar has been so epically fantastic. and while ron moore & co. have wrestled with plot and character development and any number of outside influences (including surviving a pretty epic WGA strike), if you look at it as a whole. it really is fantastically awesome. the effects, the score, the action, the drama, the characters…
i don’t think i’ve ever seen a better show, and fear i never will again.
and it has been said over and over by RDM himself, that the characters are what is important. he’s right…because battlestar would not have been so engaging without the cast of characters that put their blood, sweat and tears into every episode.
william adama (edward james olmos): it is no lie that i love the olmos like you wouldn’t believe. from american me to stand and deliver to selena, i have loved his craggy, pock-marked face like you wouldn’t believe. is there anyone ever who would have even held a candle to the olmos as the commanding voice and authority of the galactica and colonial fleet? no, there’s not, don’t even think it, don’t try, you won’t come up with anything. the olmos fuckin’ OWNS galactica, and he can out-act anyone on the set with just a twitch of his face, seriously. happy, sad, drunken/crying/drooling in a heap, staring-you-down-with-death-glares…he gets right in the moment and pulls you in along with him. if anyone is going to wreck me completely during the finale, it’s going to be the olmos. him, and the 2 people closest to him, they will definitely wreck me…
which brings us to saul tigh (michael hogan): who knew the theatrical brilliance that was just hiding out in canada, man? seriously? when you have an actor that can convey joy, sorrow, anger, incredulity, bewilderment, rage, heartbreak, terror, dejection, hoplessness, and pain all with just one.fucking.eyeball and do it better than people who have been in the business for years rakin’ in fat cash, you have motherfuckin’ michael hogan, man. seriously…tigh is one of my favorite characters, rounding out the ultimate bromance portion of battlestar galactica and part of the craggly old man brigade. and what’s more? tigh is a cylon. the most loyal, doggedly determined and fierce man in the fleet and he’s not even a man. probably one of the most flawed characters on the show as well, but that makes him all the more human. despite whatever circuitry he has. i am seriously going to miss tigh and his grumbles and bad assery.
as well as pres. laura roslin (mary macdonnel): first off, to all the nay sayers who are all ‘omg wtf bsg is so sexist’ or whatever rot. THE PRESIDENT OF THE 12 COLONIES AND THE LAST OF THE COLONIAL FLEET AND THE MOTHERFUCKING CYLON REBELS IS A WOMAN. so, STFU and die in a fire, folks. and not only is she a woman but she is completely bad ass and beautiful and will air lock the shit out of you if you cross her so don’t even think about it. she is level headed and compassionate and just, and if only there were a president or leader like her anywhere in the world for reals. because, i guarantee you, i would vote for laura roslin. plus, she’s a joy to watch on screen and especially her relationship with adama. it’s like, the one light spot of hope and happiness in the whole last season. the world is ending, the galactica is fucked, earth is a burnt out cinder and the cylons are coming…but they got love, ya know?
surprisingly kara “starbuck” thrace (katee sackhoff): almost didn’t make the list. because the last 2 seasons? 2 and a half seasons? starbuck has been on a particularly spectacular form of suck. i have always been a fan of starbuck. she’s spunky, she’s feisty, she will blow your fuckin’ head off and she’s the best damned viper pilot in the fleet. rowdy, breakin’ all the rules, shoot-first-ask-questions-later, cigar smokin’, booze-swillin’, poker-playin’ starbuck. hell, she even had her own little bromance going on with helo, their friendship was real, and heartwarming to see on the show. and even when it’s crap dialog because of jane espenson and a stupid story because of jane espenson, katee knocks it out of the park with her acting chops. she’s amazing, and another relative unknown. what i don’t like is how they have this strong female character and her whole world, her whole identity, her whole reason for being falls apart because of a guy. and not even the guy she loved, lived with, was going to marry, who then died. not even the guy she’d had some sort of fucked up tension and bantering relationship with throughout the whole series. not even a guy on the damn fleet. but fuckin’ random ass dude who was back on caprica. anders? fuckin’ anders is what becomes starbuck’s undoing and the source of all the stupid “romantic” drama on the show. the alleged “triangle” between starbuck, apollo and anders couldn’t be more dull if you sanded down all the corners and made a circle. fuck, she even married his stupid ass and it didn’t end there. since then starbuck has been a mess. she even motherfucking died it’s so crazy. now, nobody knows what she is or what she means and the whole world may end at her hands plus she has daddy issues (which, before, i thought the whole torture/enslavement thing with leoben was hinged on her mommy issues) and hallucinates and TALKS TO PEOPLE WHILE SHE POOPS, WHAT THE FUCK?! so yeah, starbuck has been slippin, but it has been one wild and crazy ride thanks to ms. sackhoff.
dr. sherman “doc” cottle (donnelly rhodes): i cannot deny my love of doc cottle. what started as a bit walk-on character developed into a fully-fleshed out role of yet another craggy old man with plenty of bad ass to spare. he’ll smoke while he shoots the bird, he’ll cut you open, sew you up and send you on your way without even spillin’ any ash. he’s dock motherfuckin’ cottle and the world will be a sadder place without galactica’s chief medical officer.
and everyone else? they can die in a fuckin’ fire for all i care. i’m mildly fond of the sixes, back in the days when caprica six was killin’ babies and shit. but then she went and got knocked up by tigh (ew ew ew ew ew) and is full on in baby-rabies mode, so no. the rest of the cylons are pretty lame (see also: anders) and we do not speak of the whore whore slut that is systematically ruining the entire show with her damn flaws and stupid face and evil slutty whorebag evilness. we just, don’t. fuck her. fuck the cylons you never see anymore because the show doesn’t have a budget and i never thought i’d say this but i am actually bored to tears by gaius baltar right now. he’s pervy, he got rid of his pseudo-jesus haircut and beard but he’s still quite dull. i do love his accent though, and gaius baltar is the horny cockroach of the galactica so you know he will never die. the final five (with the exception of tigh) are a boring, run-into-the-ground set and i hate how they’re butchering “all along the watchtower” even though i love bear mccreary. dualla and gaeta are dead and gone, and so really, so is the galactica CIC. which is kind of sad, even though gaeta totally deserved what he got and then some. apollo, i don’t hate him, i sure as hell don’t like him, but i’m kind of indifferent at this point. pilot, solider, commander, cag, politician? make up your fucking mind, nancy boy. i mean, christ, you’re an adama. who does that leave, really? 
i guess helo. i’m sick of his ‘omg a dingo stole mah baby!’ story and his ‘i’m married to a cylon’ story and everything else, but helo has kind of faded into the background. like i said, some of his best moments were his bromance with starbuck, and there were a few minutes touching back to that while starbuck was hallucinating up her piano-playing-faux-daddy, but no more. so yeah, other than the characters i love, the only others i’m going to seriously miss are the cylon centurions, i suppose. because really? they are so god damned slick. even if they are “frakkin’ toasters”. i do miss catching them around, especially in light of the cylon rebellion because, are they with the fleet right now? who knows!
(oh, were you expecting more characters? well it’s my damn list so fuckoff)
battlestar galactica, man, you will be missed.
