a few years ago you could’ve said the name ryan reynolds and i would have had little to no idea who the fuck you were talking about. in fact, even now, i hardly do. i can think of exactly 2 movies that he’s been in: blade trinity and wolverine. oh, and that one that always shows up on comedy central where he wears a fat suit and is mildly goofy and somewhat amusing. mildy goofy and somewhat amusing seems to be mr. reynold’s niche, apparently. hard to pick out of a crowd and not someone you would immediately choose to watch.
then i saw wolverine.
jaw dropped. world view shattered. completely fuckin’ taken by surprise.
ryan reynolds is hot. like, holy lord have mercy! hot. good god damn! hot. would-totally-lick-him-twice hot! why didn’t i know about this? how in god’s name did this happen? and how much longer is this going to last? because, i got to say, it makes me vaguely uncomfortable. i mean, on the long long list of deliciously hot men that i would like to violate seven different ways from sunday, there is NOT a spot for ryan reynolds*. furthermore, i’m not even sure i want to make a spot for him, really, because that means i’ll have to acknowledge the fact that i now find him unbelievably attractive. and if i go that far, does that mean i’m going to start actively pursuing ryan reynolds-centric forms of entertainment? i don’t think i could actually live with myself if i went out and spent money on the new sandra bullock piece of shit movie coming out just because he’s in it, and possibly will be tasty and shirtless as well. then again….
wait, no. no, i will not. i could always just watch blade again when TBS or USA or whatever smack-ass network re-runs it for the billionth time and appreciate the director that thought it was a great idea to put mr. surprisingly hot dude in shredded attire handcuffed to the floor (now, with great lighting!). because that? that was a motherfuckin’ stroke of genius, i’m tellin’ you. gen-ius! the flipside of this, of course, is that the movie was mad lame. hell, that whatever comedy central movie he’s always in is pretty damn boring as well. and i know he was in some national lampoon flick that never should have been made. an abortion of comedy, really. on the whole, this dude is mildly amusing, and really just a goofy sonofabitch, you know?
but i’ll be damned if he isn’t suddenly and surprisingly hot as fuck. something changed, something is different. either he got a better agent or better PR or managed to buff up even more since blade. all i know is i’m somewhat taken aback by this newfound lust for someone i previously didn’t even consider at all. plus it’s even worse because occasionally he brings the funny (was mildly hilarious in wolverine) and the funny on top of the body is like a one-two punch of oh, sweet mother of god do me now. that’s some dangerous stuff right there.
also, you would never suspect ryan fucking reynolds to be this jaw-droppingly cut. his six pack has a six pack all of a sudden, man. and, i think he’s fucking canadian! canadian! i can’t remember how many canadians i want to violate, but i’m pretty sure the only one that is beyond awesome and truly justified in hotness is seth rogen. because, seriously, i would give up organs to do some seriously illegal and filthy, filthy things to seth rogen. seriously. twice. plus, motherfucker apparently was in an episode or so of scrubs AND harold & kumar go to white castle and i didn’t even notice. probably still wouldn’t even notice, and had no idea until fuckin’ wikipedia told me! how’s that for surprising! but i don’t know…so.damn.hot.
so.damn.surprising.
dude went from mild celebrity and banging alanis morrissette and generally not existing on the radar at all; to ridiculously and unbelievably sexytime hotpants and not only banging, but MARRIED TO scarlett fucking johansson. you have to be either a.) ridiculously and unbelievably sexytime hotpants b.) rich/famous as all get out c.) hung like a bull elephant or d.) all of the above to bag tail like scarlett johansson, and not only did he do that but he married her to boot! so you got to give the dude credit for being that mind-meltingly hot. (NOTE: i loves me some alanis, and on the cool meter she ranks higher than scarlett [cuz seriously, girl, lost in translation was 2+ hours of my life i will never get back so fuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuu]; but on the ladder of super-hot chicks with large boobies, scarlett wins) dude went from just random goofy actor that sometimes appears in movies that you never even notice; to totally buff, marathon running, vampire killing, wise-cracking mutant with co-starring roles that you may actively seek out for viewing pleasure.
still, i am a bit disturbed by this new attraction because it’s like my girlboner has no common sense whatsoever. it’s like spending a lifetime eating delicious prime rib and craving only the top quality steaks and deciding all of a sudden “man, i should like to have some motherfuckin’ SPAM, or even bologna. yum yum!” i mean, what the hell? in fact, i think there is a law somewhere against being attracted to dudes named ryan. or maybe there should be. or maybe i’m completely helpless against a combination of any degree of hotness + the funny, cuz lord knows the funny gets me every time…
yet now, i am dangerously close to voluntarily watching blade: trinity again…
and this is why:
damn you, girlboner, damn you!
* YES, i know there’s no way in hell i’m ever going to get a chance to violate ryan reynolds or anyone else on my list of ridiculously hot men i would like to violate seven ways from sunday; much less be in the same room with or near; much less even get a second look from…but that’s beside the point as this is all mindless fantasy and the point of fantasy is that it be outlandish and completely outside the realm of Possibility. /disclaimer
