i can feel the summer slipping away from me (did it even start?) and at this point there’s absolutely nothing i can do about it. is this the worst? it definitely ranks high up there. i have a habit of having really shitty odd-numbered years, and this one so far is sticking to tradition.
i’ve been so consumed with work and shit that is both mentally draining and decidedly NOT fun. i thought i had more time for some obligations that are coming up in the fall, but already i’m staring down the barrel of that and let me tell you, it is not a very long barrel.
plus, i lead a completely lame and underwhelming life, so it seems a tad unfair that i’m so often overwhelmed by all this bullshit. and stress. i’ve got stress for days, son. and it is not even a little bit ok. plus, the weather has been complete bullshit lately (today, the air outside is chewy) and i have not had a single moment of outdoorsy summer fun. or really even some halfway decent sunshine. maybe it’s the vitamin d withdrawal that is making me so uber meh.
the more i think about how much everything sucks, the more i am practically bursting at the seams with a dire need to get the fuck out of the muggy hellhole that is new england. i hate it here. i hate everything about it. all of the good friends i made out here are gone/left/are leaving anyway, so what’s the fucking point? why exactly do i continue to toil in a place that i can’t even stand the god damned sight of?
why, indeed.
then i’ll think about everything that needs to be done to get me out of here: the physical move, the financial aspect, finding a job, etc. etc. etc. and my throat closes up in panic. i don’t want to be here.
i don’t.
i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here.
i really, really, really don’t want to be here any longer. i hate boston, i hate 97.5% of new england, i hate the atlantic ocean, i hate the cities, i hate the suburbs and most of all i hate the people. every day living here makes my skin crawl, and gives me splitting headaches. and i don’t like the way i feel living here.
i didn’t used to be so angry all the time, i didn’t hate so many things. it doesn’t take that fucking much to please me, but it seems that this place goes out of it’s way to make me miserable.
will it be better somewhere else? i suppose there’s no guarantee of that, but i have to fucking try, right?
because if i don’t, how am i supposed to live like this?
i have to fucking try.
