But. Is it even possible to just be whelmed?
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and i’m always sad
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sometimes i sit here and have a million and one panic attacks over all the things i always wanted to do with my life that am just way to fucking old to do now. old and busted.
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cold and lonely and empty.
all the time. i have a million thoughts swirling around in my head and half the time it’s so cluttered with all of these things that i can barely breathe. i can feel the words bubbling up in my throat and choking me. and at other times it’s nothing but tumbleweeds and cold echoes.
emptiness all around. all the time. it didn’t use to be this bad, or i guess i didn’t notice it enough, didn’t pay enough attention. but now it’s this oppressive weight bearing down on me.
i’m not sure i can keep doing this — day in and day out — for very long, though. not much longer, anyway. also, i’m not sure that i want to.
i mean, who would?
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i haven’t been here in ages, it seems. but like, you can’t ever really walk away from this much history, you know? all my good things are here…well, some of them. all of my bad things, too. pain, memories, misery, despair…all that shit. this is where it lives. and maybe that’s why i’ve been gone so long? who knows.
but, you can’t ever really walk away. and it’s not like ‘oh wow, i’ve been so happy and thrilled all this time!’ quite the opposite, really. but it’s like, i just haven’t made an effort. which is just the lamest excuse there is, really. like, what is that, even?
it takes too much effort?
that’s pretty dumb.
i really need to work on that, though. it’s like so many things are being put off in life. all the things. and for what, really? what is the point? what am i waiting for? and it seems like i’m always waiting for something. waiting and waiting and just not much actual doing, you know? also pretty dumb.
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