the influx of emails and advertisements and flyers and commercials regarding father’s day are totally fucking with my process right now. there is no escape.
i think next weekend i’m just going to curl up in a ball and cry all day.
mine :
category : ::sob::
comments : nada mucho
mine :
mine :
category : ::sob::
comments : nada mucho
mine :
this is my morning:
i hate my job. i hate the world. i hate my damn life. why oh why babycar?!?!? why!?!?! god today is horrible. so fucking horrible. i’m so fed up with breaking my back for this company to just keep everyone’s heads above water only to get absofuckinglutely NOTHING in return. moreover, look at all the things i’m losing: my health, my sanity, and apparently the integrity of the paint job on my fucking car!
so.furious.
mine :
category : ::sob::
comments : nada mucho
mine :
the death of a parent can immobilize and inspire?
“Parent loss,” Safer writes, “is the most potent catalyst for change in middle age.” And because they have experienced so much of life by that point, these bereaved children can see their parents with more wisdom and greater understanding. (via LA times)
i am not middle-aged…not even close. neither is my baby brother…so i cannot help but feel that all of this is so wrong. or a very closed case with specific conditionals. someone in their 40s or 50s losing a parent is obviously going to feel and think differently, have different experiences or manage to construe such an experience into relief. or inspiration.
i, however, cannot.
there are no words that exist in the world that can sugar coat the pain and suffering of such a monstrously intense loss. granted, this is merely one person’s opinion in opposition to another opinion. but this safer woman is profiting from hers, turning sorrow into personal benefit and gain. that seems tawdry and cheap. low.
i can’t help feel that this is so wrong.
losing a parent has not been freeing or uplifting or anything but crushing devastation and pain. my daddy was a beautiful man: vastly imperfect, flawed, human, fiercely loyal, and everything i loved in the world. and now he’s gone. i spent all fall and winter watching him slowly slip away as his body rapidly failed him. he got weaker and smaller and raw. the strongest man i knew felled by a relentless sickness that ate him from the inside out.
and it was the most horrible thing i have ever seen, or experienced.
nowhere near the best thing that could ever happen to me. every day that passes by is one more day without him. it’s still so fresh and recent in my heart and mind i cannot imagine ever getting over it. i imagine my 12-year-old brother does not feel any liberation or joy in losing a father, either.
i got 25 years with my daddy and that was not nearly enough. not even close.
losing my daddy didn’t make me realize “i am an adult”, because i already was. am. i already am. being secure in who and what i am does not and did not require such a galvanizing and devastating loss. it did, however, have an irrevocable and massive impact on my life, there’s no denying that fact…but it hasn’t rejuvenated me, or inspired me to live my life the way i’ve always wanted. because my parents were not holding me back. my daddy was not a burden that kept me from making the choices i wanted in life. that would be such a disrespect to his memory, his legacy, and everything he’s taught me, everything he was and still is. and i’m not willing to do something like that, i won’t.
and at the end of the day, however you want to see it, i’m just a girl who misses her dad.
“the space between a woman on her own and a girl who needs her dad is very small, and the time since i’ve said good-bye is but a blink. distance and speed are never quite what they seem.”
mine :
category : ::sob::
comments : nada mucho
mine :
four months and one day…seventeen weeks…123 days…2,952 hours…177,120 minutes…10,627,200 seconds…
it’s not fair…
the world just keeps going on as if nothing. as if it’s ok. as if it doesn’t hurt so bad. on and on and on and on so that i can’t take it. not a day goes by that my mind isn’t on this, isn’t consumed with this, isn’t pained by the indifferent passing of time…
it’s not fucking fair…
mi corazón duele. yo le pierdo.
mine :
category : ::sob::, mehz0rz
comments : nada mucho
mine :
today i feel hazy around the edges…unclear. insubstantial. i should have stayed in bed. i feel as if at any moment everything will just disappear…i will disappear.
in the middle of the night i woke up to find myself crying…a quieter imitation of the gut-wrenching sobs my dreams were full of. most.wretched.dreams.ever. the most disturbing fact being: i never dream. never. and if i do, i never have to remember it. but i do…i do remember it all. so awful it woke me up, and i’m such a deep sleeper it’s ridiculous.
loss…loss and more loss, everything tinged with it. swamped in it, so much i can’t think i can’t see i can’t breathe. and sorrow and sorrow and more sorrow and desespere y más desesperación.
i cannot concentrate, i’m overwhelmed and it’s taking every ounce of my willpower to just hold it together. usually i can keep moments like this contained, or hidden, can compartmentalize it until the time is convenient. though, that is not entirely true…it is never convenient.
everyone always talks about “the five stages” and i can’t help but feel that it’s a complete farce. there’s nothing and nothing and more nothing but emptiness and sorrow. a feeling of hollowness…
and i can’t stop any of this…
mine :
category : ::sob::, mehz0rz
comments : nada mucho
mine :
doctors lie. it’s the thing they’re best at — they have crafted their skill to perfection, lying is as natural to them as breathing. and the rest of us poor, hapless slobs are subject to their whims…and we can’t do anything about it. frankly, i’m not sure what is worse: knowing that you’re being so plainly lied to or believing in the lies…
i do not know why they would do such a thing. what is there to gain? who benefits? in the end they go about their doctor lives with no concern and your life is irrevocably changed.
today i a bad day…every day is a big difficult, but today is harder than most. i can’t get the lies out of my mind…i can’t get over the horrible sense of betrayal…
mine :
category : ::sob::
comments : nada mucho
mine :
pierdo realmente a mi papá…tanto mi corazón duele. mucho, mucho dolor. es un dolor que no se irá. me rompe.
mine :
